Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale. Get ready for SO MUCH RIVERDALE. We’re working on catching up on all the Hot Riverdale Garbage we missed while we were off covering Sabrina a little while back. With that in mind, this week we’e covering the following episodes from Riverdale Season 3:
- Episode 6 (Chapter 41) (why is this show like this???): Manhunter
- Episode 7 (Chapter 42): The Man in Black
- Episode 8 (Chapter 43): Outbreak
Look, y’all. It’s Riverdale. Plagues! Evil nuns! Farm succubi! Jughead’s mom! Welcome back to Riverdale hell!!!!
CC: well for y’all following along at home, we’re recapping the remaining episodes from our Sabrina break!
Jenny: this was a massive undertaking and i think we should begin by acknowledging that
3 episodes! three of em!
so much content
all of it just absurd
Jenny: me @ this show
CC: this week we tackled Chapter 41: Manhunger, Chapter 42: The Man in Black, and Chapter 43: Outbreak
*ManhuNter not ManhunGer
Jenny: Manhunger really does feel like a more apt name for that ep
CC: L O L O H W E L L
so I’ll admit that all of this blurs together in my head a little bit???
Jenny: def — i think esp manhunger and the man in black
i can’t totally remember which one had the succubus farm? but they were def manhungry
CC: I think my brain got clogged with riverdale trash thru the middle of Manhunger and starting working again the following episode ha ha ha
oh I think that’s The Man in Black
but who tf knows????
that’s what it’s called now
Rachel: wait wait
i have a suggestion
instead of recapping each episode, let’s recap each storyline
because honestly, i am the same and i cannot keep them apart
CC: ur a genius
Rachel: let’s start with…. archie????
Jenny: yeah that feels right
CC: the Archie Continues To Be Fatally Dumb arch
Rachel: Archie On The Run
Jenny: he’s so dumb, but so pretty
Rachel: Archie Gets Kidnapped Again
CC: tuxedo mask over here
OK, SO, is Archie TRYING TO GET KILLED or WHAT
i almost think that when he says “bye veronica” after she hangs up the phone he honestly doesn’t realize she can’t still hear him
Jenny: just trusting every beautiful woman he meets
CC: ok so: archie is recovering from swimming away from boyfights prison in a septic system, finds out he has an infected wound, and the riverdale crew calls that real spooky coroner to give him meds???
i mean they’re teens but: he swam away in a river of poop, of course that STAB WOUND is gonna get infected
Jenny: at least the riverdale writers stuck w that much realism
also archie decides to just walk it off???
to go solve mysteries other people are 100% qualified to solve???? my dude??? just take a nap????
Rachel: he’s a strapping young man, he can handle it
Jenny: lol as much as i don’t love jug, thank god he was w archie through this ordeal
putting pieces together
convincing archie not to murder
(bc that’s a thing he wants to do now, apparently??)
Rachel: yeah! holy shit!!
Archie almost killed Hiram with some big scissors!
Jenny: what a dummy!
CC: I’m 100% sure hiram doesn’t leave home without a tiny little revolver tucked into his suit or w/e fancy bad guys carry
although I do think veronica would probably forgive him L O L
i am curious about the extent to which this murder impulse can be explained?
like, as an extension of the red circle?
and roughing up those serpents at the start of last season?
bc in the process of watching this, it really felt like it came out of nowhere
and also like it was exactly the opposite of the person archie is?
Jenny: i could not have predicted this
i mean, you CAN; but do you actually want to?? archie?? do you actually want to kill???
but tbh there were A LOT of dead bodies in these three eps
i think the writers are getting desensitized to the stakes
Rachel: yeah!! and they didn’t even really deal with that! like they kind of touched on how out of character it was for him, but they really should have used it as a way to show how far Hiram has pushed Arch over the edge
but you know, that requires more than one line of dialog
Jenny: yeah! missed opportunity!
CC: look y’all:
I think it’s just that
men are just SO emotional and illogical
CC: I am so glad Jug touched on how Archie gets kidnapped all the time; truly at least HE watches Riverdale
CC: continuity side note: the show remembered that Archie has a serpent tattoo?? which is??? frankly more continuity than i expected
yeah i think this arc was all about being really showy about how they totally remember things!
hiram’s prison finally came back around
CC: And How
Rachel: y’all do you actually think…. this was what they were building to all along???
Jenny: and veronica made a real point to remind everyone that he had set up the white wyrm as a drug lab, and now he’s doing the same thing here. like, LOOK! CONTINUITY!
CC: maybe this is why the show never bothered to clarify why for-profit prisons are bad
like: just y’all WAIT
u don’t even K N O W
Jenny: all for-profit prisons are also secretly drug labs
that’s what i’ve learned here at the cw dot com
CC: so imo we should probably combined the archie/jug storylines here since from ep 2 on it becomes The Great American Roadtrip between our fave dummy archie and “Kid Kerouac”
that cool with y’all?
Rachel: yeah def!
Jenny: yeah but i do want to take a second to point out what is possibly my fave jug moment of all time
when he’s threatening joaquin
Jenny: more people need to just explain basic concepts to jug
i think the show cuts him a lot of slack, but anyone talking down to jughead is 100000% my jam
do you…do you know what a pawn is jughead??
it’s from the game chess
CC: “Jughead, CHESS is a type of board game”
i love it
i live for it
CC: “you play it with friends, for recreation”
Jenny: you know…friends. friends are people you enjoy spending time with.
CC: “recreation is when you do something you enjoy, like solving murders or getting literally addicted to tabletop games”
i’m dying i’m dying
you’ve killed me
CC: I know we’ll get into this later but now I’m convinced the writers have HEARD of tumblr but don’t know what it is
Jenny: lol yes
CC: this show has become like the 5 minutes of the The Good Place official podcast where people (I think Meghan Amran?) tried to explain what “headcannon” means to Marc Evan Jackson
“so it’s?? a?? thing you think? in your mind? but not real??”
LOOK I know that’s a DEEP CUT but for the 1 person that joke would resonate with I swear it killed
Jenny: i trust you
but for instance
i have this headcannon where veronica DIDN’T break her boyfriend out of juvie and then exonerate him the very next day.
Jenny: in my headcannon, she exonerated him and went through all the proper channels
like a normal person would
Rachel: jenny you expect so much
Jenny: tbh veronica was all about that illegality these eps
but we’ll get to that
Rachel: ok this is a good time to segway to V’s timeline but there are a few other things i wanna touch on back with Archie and Jug
first — jellybean!!! and jug’s mom!!!!
CC: 2 thoughts
1) i would die 4 jellybean
newsie caps are cancelled for everyone except grizzled women over 40 who steal cars
sorry i dont make the rules
Rachel: lol 100%
Jenny: she’s perfect
also! GINA GERSHON
Rachel: i loved her!!
and she DEFINITELY murdered Penny right???
Jenny: SHE DOES NOT FUCK AROUND
Rachel: v murdered
Jenny: i read it that way
there was, like, A LOT of blood on her hands afterwards
Rachel: SO MUCH!!
CC: too much tbh
what was she doing, trussing her for dinner afterwards???
Jenny: she puts food on the table for these kids, CC
CC: fair, fair
Jenny: it’s a real mrs. lovett situation
CC: so, why do y’all think she didn’t want jug to go with her
ie: why do you think she thought it would be better for him to live with his alcoholic father before FP got clean and also got glasses
Jenny: i mean, things here are also illegal?
so that’s danger?
and she sounds like she just got this chop shop off the ground
so maybe it was a “i’m barely feeding jellybean as it is” situation?
Rachel: maybe she didn’t want to interrupt jug’s life so close to graduation??
like let this kid just get through high school
CC: i guess like, the entire town of riverdale wanted better for jug than uh
what he’s been upto lately
Jenny: god, yeah
CC: also: REAL CLASSY of jug not to volunteer that he CARVED PENNY’S TATTOO OUT OF HER WRIST FIRST
Jenny: i was really hoping that when fp showed up w that jacket, jug was going to, like, reconsider
hoped it was going to be a turning point for him to just be jug again, instead of the ~~ SERPENT KING ~~
but speaking of the serpent king
his serpent queen has a WAY BETTER TITLE NOW
Rachel: GRIFFON QUEEN
that’s honestly super rad
Jenny: she looks dope in a big-ass nerd kind of way
better than the serpent queen bullshit at least
Rachel: here’s a good thing about this outfit: easy to cosplay as
CC: cool that the resolution of the evil nunnery plotline was to make betty the most mary sue mary sue who ever mary sued while still letting her feel superior to The Nerdzzzz (I know I’m just being defensive, even tho i don’t even personally like tabletop games)
Jenny: yeah it was rough all around
but i would argue that it was somehow the most coherent
of the three plotlines
CC: that is true!
WHAT ? ? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ?
Jenny: oof ok yeah that was just bad
this is, I assume, where your tumblr theory comes in
and i gotta say, i agree
CC: Ethel: “Jug and I are a ship!!”
CC: also betty:
CC: I’m SO GLAd ethel snapped out of it but tbh she was right and betty HAS always kinda looked down on ethel!
Season 4 better be Ethel gettin it every day!
Jenny: hell yes
all of this aside, everything about the evil nuns really did make more sense that this Casino text scroll
CC: LOL the caption really makes this screenshot jenny
Jenny: i gotta say, coming out of this veronica plot line: i never thought i would identify w reggie
but when veronica whipped out the deed to pops in her big, winner-takes-all blackjack hand
Jenny: just, same reggie
CC: i 100% thought she was gonna lose the deed
I thought it was more of a plot twist that she won
Jenny: yeah! cheated!
Rachel: i figured that if she was gonna go all out like that, she was gonna have to be cheating
Jenny: she was real “the ends justify the means” in this arc
not a great look. i did not love it
CC: i miss Moral Compass Veronica from season 1
the “i was trapped in a closet w a boy you liked, and now i bought you flowers and also lets get pedicures and please be my friend” veronica
Rachel: god i was just thinking about that
about the problems of season 1
who likes who, who murdered Jason
Jenny: the stakes were so relatable when it was just a teen murder mystery show
Rachel: Riverdale is really DBZ-ing itself, in terms of escalation of stakes
CC: how do you escalate from an apocalyptic event???
I CANNOT WAIT for the Riverdale Intergalactic Tournament of Power
Jenny: YES YES YES
Rachel: i really don’t know where they’re gonna go from here
like, once this nonsense gets wrapped up
maybe that’s the end?? and they all graduate??
they ride off into the sunset?
Jenny: they all go to different colleges and never talk to anyone ever again
CC: probably a best case scenario for all involved tbh
Jenny: def. also, before we do final thoughts, i just want to remind everyone where we’re picking up tonight. This “apocalypse” is a governor-sanctioned quarantine of Riverdale, the town; hiram is testing his drugs on the kids in the fucked up nunnery, he’s building a prison that is also a drug lab, and he’s closing down the only school left in town (so, idk how these kids are going to graduate on time)
wait i have a final thought about this
CC: hiram is such an anime villain
CC: “OK, my MASTER PLAn this time — wait, you’re gonna love it, hold on — it’s a PRISON, but also
-a drug lab
-a giant robot (season 4) (mark my words)
THE SAME PLAN EVERY TIME with a twist
Hiram is probably gonna open
a PRISON, but also, a charter school
Jenny: that’s that problem solved then
for the ones who can make it in
y’all ready for final thoughts?
Rachel: ok yes
so here’s mine
are the Riverdale writers ACTUALLY GENIUSES and the quarantine is a METAPHOR for the “BORDER CRISIS”
it’s a fake thing made up by an elected official to achieve their own ends??!?!??!!
Jenny: wow so smart
these writers are so woke
and i trust them with these issues
CC: I actually have A FEW final thoughts, which I’ll put in the patreon, but I’ll leave just one here:
Betty managed to actually answer your eternal question, Rachel!! She FOUND ALL THE PARENTS — EVEN REGGIE’S DAD
Jenny: she rounded ’em right up
made them answer for their crimes
CC: we found em! they’re all just
(sorry sheriff keller)
Jenny: it’s true though
my final thought is maybe something we’ve touched on before, but i can’t remember? it seems familiar but also completely unbelievable??
CC: A MA ZING
Jenny: did hiram REALLY replace the creepy painting of veronica with a creepy painting of himself???
did that really happen??
Jenny: what the fuck is going on????
CC: I L O V E I T
Jenny: goals, i guess? but man it could’ve been a less creepy portrait!
The one thing he’s done that I agree with
always do that
CC: always put up a huge oil painting of yourself
goals #yaaaaaas #bless #dancelikenooneswatcing #andgetahugeoilpaintingof urself
Jenny: life advice from the POMEcrones and Hiram Lodge
you heard it here first, folks
CC: again: literally, the only way we want him 2 tell us how 2 live
(hook me up hiram show me their patreon STAT)
Jenny: SPEAKING OF PATREON
if you like this content, hop on over to OUR PATREON for more of it!
that’s a natural transition, right??
we love our readers. thank you for putting up w this
As Jenny mentioned, if you need even MORE Riverdale Screaming in your life this week, head on over to our Patreon to see even more Riverdale baggage than we could unpack in this roundtable. Really – we have so many Feelings about having an oil painting of yourself featured prominently in your home & we’re excited to share all those thoughts with you.