Riverdale Roundtable S3E9: “No Exit”

Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale. Today we’re putting forth some top shelf A++ Ideas as we cover Riverdale Season 3 episode 9: “No Exit.” Join us as we unpack some of our proposals for all forthcoming Riverdale content, including, but not limited to: More crying boys! A Riverdads Dream Daddy Skin! Oil paintings for every occasion!

Jenny: well this was a mess

CC: I was gonna say:
I’ve said this a lot but I’ve never meant it more than this moment
everything happens so much
so, so, so, so
so much

Rachel: Well, I guess my biggest takeaway is a huge spoiler but
Archie’s dead right???
So dead
And the rest of the show is just Life After Archie

Jenny: lol
suuuuuuuuuper dead
i totaaaaaally believe he’s the most dead

CC: no way
there’s NO WAY this show could kill off archie for real
I don’t trust this show to follow through

Rachel: KJ apa was just like “I’m out y’all”

Jenny: bless him
but for real there’s no way

CC: just like chris evans, if he thinks he’s getting out of this contract before he’s on his deathbed he’s got another thing coming
i mean, sadly in chris evans’s case but still

Rachel: His whole coma dream was a lot
I felt like the writers really just wanted to show how DEEP they are

Jenny: lolololol yes we know what a metaphor is hohohohoho
so deep

CC: the tl;dr for this episode:

but for real maybe we should do some summary\

CC: Betty learns the downsides of being a bad GM, don’t trust evil nuns, and archie???? dies???? plus toni almost gets a full line of dialogue

Rachel: Yeah basically I guess the quarantine is over
It got cancelled between this episode and the last episode

Jenny: LOL
alice is bad at parenting; boys crying sustains me; how did archie get a remote cabin in the woods and can i have one too??

CC: it’s a Nice Cabin!!!
Firewatch Archie is best Archie imo

Rachel: Honestly why would he ever go back to Riverdale!!
He has a good dog and a good cabin

CC: you got a dog! you got a cabin! you got a gruff lady ranger for company on the CV radio! what else do you NEED

Jenny: is this what canada is like?? just “oh– you’re having a rough time? come out to a remote cabin, contribute to the safety of the forest, and just take some you-time”
i need it


Rachel: I guess the CW couldn’t afford to figure out how to show a bear though
No real bear, no CG bear
No man in a bear suit

Jenny: lol i’m not convinced it was a bear
i wish my god
but yeah
so archie is off in this beautiful and remote ghibli cabin
then he’s patrolling the woods and he get attacked
he comes back and has a fever dream about playing G&G with the boys from shadowlake, then with the warden, then with the gang
he has to relive important moments from the past two seasons (some bottle episode)
and make better decisions about them

CC: if I were Archie I’d be carrying antibiotics in my pocket
at this point

Jenny: ah but you are smort and he is a dumb

CC: ya when he confronts himself in that dream as the dummy who got him into this mess
i was just thinking like
i mean…..ur not wrong…..

Jenny: honestly

CC: DEFINITELY not Hiram Lodge who MADE HIM join the MOB

Jenny: but dream-fred’s dream-resonse to that was so good!

CC: agreed!!!
supportive dream dad

Jenny: YES
the real dream daddy

side note
Dream Daddy mod but it’s all riverdads

Jenny: oooooohhhhhhhh
i need it
what else happens
betty deals with the fallout of adopting a full gaggle of orphans
alice does not handle it well

Jenny: just as fred is the real dream daddy, alice is kind of a nightmare mom
she’s all — you’re going to fix your own messes
but then betty is like — i’ll do it
and alice is like — psych! i’m going to fix it in exactly the way you asked me not to!
i love alice
but this was no good

CC: i love alice too, but as much as I think she’s wrong here
if u adopt a dozen orphans, u gotta remember to feed them and walk them & socialize them

Jenny: i mean, the plot needed them to be gone
the riverdale writers are not ready for the responsibility of a dozen orphans

Rachel: and also probably the show budget
can’t keep paying for all these randos!!!

Jenny: lol probs

CC: they’re def not spending that cash on wardrobe tho to be fair

Jenny: ok speaking of wardrobe though
jug was real showy about making fangs hand in his jacket, but when cheryl pushed back about keeping hers, he’s just like — fine
not great consistency in your leadership there buddy

CC: i mean but he does kinda quietly unfire Fangs tho as soon as cheryl & TT are gone

Jenny: yes fair
but i figure so much of being the “serpent king” is about theatrics
and he faltered

CC: but ALSO like, Jug, WHY NOT make the point about how sOME PEOPLE can’t just go back to Thistlehouse when this is all over BEFORE firing fangs

Jenny: what about THAT jug???

CC: like: I love Cheryl and she has suffered so much but at the same time
IT’S A GOOD POINT, and also Fangs is trying to SAVE HIS MOM whereas Cheryl just wants to do some sexy catburgling

Jenny: yeah
fangs was real sweet

CC: D’:

Jenny: i know!
i feel for him, i do
but also this part really reminded me
of that one guy in child prison who ran drugs for his nana but had never experienced the epic highs and lows of high school football
felt a little like recycled content, cw

CC: you know, it is a point that bears repeating: these 35 year old riverdale teens do not live in the real world, even in their own world LOL

Jenny: the last thing i really have on this particular plot point
is that the confrontation between jug and cheryl felt like a little bit of a return to the only jughead-adjacent relationship i care about in this show
this jughead-cheryl friendship!!

Jenny: he trusts and believes in her!
she has betrayed him but he still has faith!!
and he is proven right! she comes through for him!

CC: whoa jenny
this is
by far
the most pro-jughead thing you have ever said in these roundtables ha ha ha ha

Jenny: i know it man

Rachel: LOL

Jenny: cheryl makes people better
even if she does it by forcing other to be the good guy to her bad guy
she’s great
she knows what she’s doing, and, like jug, i trust her

CC: I think so generally? but I really really do not like the way they’ve kinda just been using toni as a prop for cheryl’s character development

Jenny: true
that’s not good

CC: but before that, I guess toni was kinda being used as a prop for jughead’s character development
when she is so cool! let toni live, Riverdale Writers!!!

Jenny: toni deserves a spinoff
that feels like such a reasonable and at the same time unrealistic ask
but she deserves that

CC: all i want is an episode where cheryl and toni are in different subplots

Jenny: she really does

CC: truly

Rachel: i did think it was selfish of them to keep up the cat burglar thing when it puts the rest of the serpents at risk

Jenny: true


Rachel: like it felt like kind of a “fuck you dad you’re not my real dad” moment

Jenny: LOL

CC: also
that painting of hiram lodge tho

CC: is this the first time we’ve got a good look at it??? like THIS good a look at it???

Jenny: i think so

CC: what a power move, framing a portrait of yourself looking constipated
in your office
your own office
right above your head

Jenny: it really continues to be Too Much

Rachel: i’m surprised it doesn’t include that new fur coat that V called him out on
really leaning into that mob boss look

Jenny: lol

CC: i know it!!!
I wanna talk about

Jenny: my god the nuns

CC: I think that those nuns getting kicked out post vatican II is the most anyone on this writing staff has tried to make something make sense

Jenny: abandoned by the catholic church — you have to be preeeeeeeeety bad

Rachel: fake nun girls


Jenny: lolololol
but also how old was that nun during vatican ii??

CC: probably like 70

Jenny: lol
she has always been 70

CC: what is dead can never die
but only comes back meaner and crankier

Jenny: it was 57 years ago though; she would’ve been a child
so it’s not like there are nuns around from the 50s

CC: maybe they’re all witches

Jenny: god i wish
i guess i hope
it could happen
i think a lot of these writers wish they were working on stranger things
just for the sake of timelines

CC: lolololol
except they’ve never played a tabletop game and don’t intend to start now


Rachel: here’s my hot tip for these writers — THERE ARE NO GAME CARDS IN DND
pushes up glasses!!!

so, the nuns made??? the game?????
did they do all this branding???
is there a nun who designed the logo?????
who prints their stuff????
where they print all their zines

Jenny: there’s like one nun who’s really into graphic design
has a lot of thoughts on fonts
maybe they set up a little printing press in the basement
they use it for brainwashing rpgs and bake sale flyers

CC: A+++

Jenny: they did have that art class last ep
where everyone was drawing the gargoyle king


Rachel: they crowdsource the art from the patients

Jenny: hell yes they do
it’s not just drug testing
they exploit them any way they can

CC: yikes
it was kind of a Trip to see them all behind bars tho

Rachel: lol I LOVE how Betty is in here
workin’ with the attorney
makin’ deals
what a life she’s leading

CC: and a social worker!!! so responsible!!!

Jenny: she’s the only responsible person in this whole damn town
everyone else is out here doing dumb shit and here’s betty getting stuff done
if it weren’t for alice completely undermining all the work she did….

CC: but also, betty just going off on her own into dangerous situations without telling anybody where she’s going
show of hands
if you thought you were about to uncover a cache of dead bodies, the dead bodies of your enemies, would you wanna be the one to find it first?? alone??? by yourself???
do u wanna get framed for murder betty bc that’s how u get framed for murder

Jenny: look — the bar for responsibility is so low
who else could she take with her?? they are all dumbasses!!
but also yes i could see this coming back to bite her

CC: betty is full We Have Food At Home to be fair

CC: but not enough to plan ahead
when calling in a cache of dead bodies

Rachel: lol
oh let’s switch real quick to cover something else that i really hoped wouldn’t happen
reggie and veronica

Jenny: god i know

CC: yeah L O L W H A T

Rachel: i have really enjoyed reggie being her number 2 guy at the club but

CC: V has a type and that type is Dumb
although I have never liked Reggie more than in his second confrontation with the Gargoyle gang
god what a sentence to type, much less to think
“we have to stop meeting like this”

Rachel: i hope i get to say that someday in real life

CC: lol same

Jenny: i will say that reggie/veronica did happen for a while in the comics

CC: wow really?
i mean i guess i can see it

Jenny: idk idk archie def was v flirty and 100% made out w that barn girl
they are broken up

Rachel: true and i hated that too!!
i just want a girl and a dude who straight to be friends
and not have to suck each others faces off

Jenny: i mean, if i were v, and i didn’t know where archie was or when/if he was coming back?? and all i knew is that he dumped me “for my own good” as if he were ever actually a good judge of that?? as if he were ever actually better at making a single good decision than i am???
and reggie was just out here being hot and dependable
getting beaten up for me?? calling me a badass???
i’m into it

Rachel: i mean that’s fair though
a dependable guy!!!
running your contraband over national lines
nothing is sexier

Jenny: and being so thorough about it!
he never took the same route twice!!

CC: whoa jenny you do make a compelling argument
i was on Team Please Do Not Do That and now I’m on Team Okay I Can See It
archie never would have thought that far ahead
he’d take the same route each time and get his ass kicked Nightly

Jenny: that’s TRUE
but also
this is really what sold me

Jenny: like, she is crooning at him about how “maybe this time”
and he’s just like


Rachel: LOL
never has there been a more romantic thumbs up

Jenny: this dummy doesn’t know what to do but he doesn’t want to discourage it!!

CC: so, question tho
what’s up with him and josie???
are they??? not a thing anymore???

Jenny: i think the s3 premiere set up josie w fangs
but really set up josie w herself bc she’s focusing on her career rn
but yeah i will grant
that there was not a whole lot of clarity around how that ended to begin w

CC: god when hiram had to comment on josie’s singing, all I could think was
nice voice
if something happened to it

Rachel: YEAH
he was real transparent about that!!

Jenny: LOL

CC: I thought he’d pay off somebody with mono to cough on her or something
idk how mono is transmitted

Jenny: (it’s the kissing disease)

CC: also transmitted thru saliva! so!!!! it’s still possible! (hope this does not happen)
i finally googled it and wow mono is rough

Jenny: yeah i’m glad she doesn’t have mono
but it did seem like she was still scared off though?
if v was performing at the end?

CC: yeah talk about needing to burn the candle at both ends
cooking the books and headlining at the same time
who says u can’t have it all

Jenny: lol
are we ready for final thoughts?

Rachel: yeah!

Jenny: mine is p simple
i just really appreciate how much crying there was in this ep

Jenny: i love when people feeel
i love, specifically, when boys cry

CC: and there was a lot of that this ep!!

Jenny: so good! so vulnerable!
they do actually care about things in their lives, and/or other people!

CC: their moms! their regrets! their feelings!!!

Jenny: this is important representation and i am here for it!!
more boys crying 2k19

Rachel: A++++
god my final take is that Kevin and Moose need to get out of the RROTC asap
this path they are on is going down has taken a weird turn

CC: whug yeah

Rachel: especially for Kevin!! who only joined to make out with a hot boy!!!!
get outta there Kevin it’s not worth it!

CC: i did like the juxtaposition between cheryl and toni confronting them? like, it was extremely On The Nose and all
but between those two being comfortable being together whereas moose has kinda pushed kevin into this really uncomfortable closeted space???? idk

Rachel: yeah i am not a fan

CC: my final thought is
well I’ve got 2 small ones
my first final thought is that it’s good to see nana rose doing something positive here in 2019
even though I personally do not think any children should go live in thistlehouse while penelope and claudius and whichever other evil blossoms are still hanging out there
my second final thought is that exchange between dream betty and archie
where archie is like “I haven’t played guitar in FOREVER betty”
was Good
in that I think somebody on the writing staff is still watching riverdale??? again?? which is good
first the serpent tattoo now this
can you imagine???

Jenny: oh man — i forgot about claudius; even though they made a point to bring him back last ep
but also yeah
it was nice
felt good after this whole “i want to kill” thing that archie’s been on recently
remember when things were simple
and there was just one murdered boy

CC: malt shops and murders and, uh, predatory music teachers

Jenny: oh god
remember when pop was like — i don’t want anything to do w this crime business miss lodge
and then this time he was just like — why yes here are your cooked books

CC: heated em up for you in the oven

Rachel: oh pop!!! they’ve corrupted you!

Jenny: bring back s1 guitar archie; and bring back s1 owns-his-own-diner pop
when we could still reasonably compare this garbage to twin peaks

Rachel: just bring back s1

CC: Riverdale Season 4: It was all a dream
get hype!!

Jenny: lol you joke but i’m ready for it

Need even MORE Riverdale Screaming in your life this week? We’ll do you one better — head on over to our Patreon today for a whole dang Riverdale Drinking Game! We invite our benevolent Patrons to enjoy this very specific Riverdale Screaming responsibly.

CC Calanthe

CC Calanthe

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!
Jenny Mott

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.
Rachel Weiss

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.

Romance Roundtable #51: Yakuza Lover

Welcome back to Romance Roundtable: a feature where the editorial POME Crones gather together to discuss Romance Manga. Join us for our spiciest Romance Roundtable yet as we cover Yakuza Lover by Nozomi Mino: an absolutely R-rated romance between a bold, fearless college student and a beautiful twink yakuza boss.

Read More »
POMEgranate Magazine