Welcome back to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale. Today we’re putting forth some top shelf A++ Ideas as we cover Riverdale Season 3 episode 9: “No Exit.” Join us as we unpack some of our proposals for all forthcoming Riverdale content, including, but not limited to: More crying boys! A Riverdads Dream Daddy Skin! Oil paintings for every occasion!
Jenny: well this was a mess
CC: I was gonna say:
I’ve said this a lot but I’ve never meant it more than this moment
everything happens so much
so, so, so, so
Rachel: Well, I guess my biggest takeaway is a huge spoiler but
Archie’s dead right???
And the rest of the show is just Life After Archie
i totaaaaaally believe he’s the most dead
CC: no way
there’s NO WAY this show could kill off archie for real
I don’t trust this show to follow through
Rachel: KJ apa was just like “I’m out y’all”
Jenny: bless him
but for real there’s no way
CC: just like chris evans, if he thinks he’s getting out of this contract before he’s on his deathbed he’s got another thing coming
i mean, sadly in chris evans’s case but still
Rachel: His whole coma dream was a lot
I felt like the writers really just wanted to show how DEEP they are
Jenny: lolololol yes we know what a metaphor is hohohohoho
~~ SYMBOLISM ~~
CC: the tl;dr for this episode:
but for real maybe we should do some summary\
CC: Betty learns the downsides of being a bad GM, don’t trust evil nuns, and archie???? dies???? plus toni almost gets a full line of dialogue
Rachel: Yeah basically I guess the quarantine is over
It got cancelled between this episode and the last episode
alice is bad at parenting; boys crying sustains me; how did archie get a remote cabin in the woods and can i have one too??
CC: it’s a Nice Cabin!!!
Firewatch Archie is best Archie imo
Rachel: Honestly why would he ever go back to Riverdale!!
He has a good dog and a good cabin
CC: you got a dog! you got a cabin! you got a gruff lady ranger for company on the CV radio! what else do you NEED
Jenny: is this what canada is like?? just “oh– you’re having a rough time? come out to a remote cabin, contribute to the safety of the forest, and just take some you-time”
i need it
CC: the CANADIAN HINTERLANDS
Rachel: I guess the CW couldn’t afford to figure out how to show a bear though
No real bear, no CG bear
No man in a bear suit
Jenny: lol i’m not convinced it was a bear
i wish my god
so archie is off in this beautiful and remote ghibli cabin
then he’s patrolling the woods and he get attacked
he comes back and has a fever dream about playing G&G with the boys from shadowlake, then with the warden, then with the gang
he has to relive important moments from the past two seasons (some bottle episode)
and make better decisions about them
CC: if I were Archie I’d be carrying antibiotics in my pocket
at this point
Jenny: ah but you are smort and he is a dumb
CC: ya when he confronts himself in that dream as the dummy who got him into this mess
i was just thinking like
i mean…..ur not wrong…..
CC: DEFINITELY not Hiram Lodge who MADE HIM join the MOB
Jenny: but dream-fred’s dream-resonse to that was so good!
supportive dream dad
the real dream daddy
CC: FRED ANDREWS: DREAM DADDY
Dream Daddy mod but it’s all riverdads
i need it
what else happens
betty deals with the fallout of adopting a full gaggle of orphans
alice does not handle it well
Jenny: just as fred is the real dream daddy, alice is kind of a nightmare mom
she’s all — you’re going to fix your own messes
but then betty is like — i’ll do it
and alice is like — psych! i’m going to fix it in exactly the way you asked me not to!
i love alice
but this was no good
CC: i love alice too, but as much as I think she’s wrong here
if u adopt a dozen orphans, u gotta remember to feed them and walk them & socialize them
Jenny: i mean, the plot needed them to be gone
the riverdale writers are not ready for the responsibility of a dozen orphans
Rachel: and also probably the show budget
can’t keep paying for all these randos!!!
Jenny: lol probs
CC: they’re def not spending that cash on wardrobe tho to be fair
Jenny: ok speaking of wardrobe though
jug was real showy about making fangs hand in his jacket, but when cheryl pushed back about keeping hers, he’s just like — fine
not great consistency in your leadership there buddy
CC: i mean but he does kinda quietly unfire Fangs tho as soon as cheryl & TT are gone
Jenny: yes fair
but i figure so much of being the “serpent king” is about theatrics
and he faltered
CC: but ALSO like, Jug, WHY NOT make the point about how sOME PEOPLE can’t just go back to Thistlehouse when this is all over BEFORE firing fangs
Jenny: what about THAT jug???
CC: like: I love Cheryl and she has suffered so much but at the same time
IT’S A GOOD POINT, and also Fangs is trying to SAVE HIS MOM whereas Cheryl just wants to do some sexy catburgling
fangs was real sweet
Jenny: i know!
i feel for him, i do
but also this part really reminded me
of that one guy in child prison who ran drugs for his nana but had never experienced the epic highs and lows of high school football
felt a little like recycled content, cw
CC: you know, it is a point that bears repeating: these 35 year old riverdale teens do not live in the real world, even in their own world LOL
Jenny: the last thing i really have on this particular plot point
is that the confrontation between jug and cheryl felt like a little bit of a return to the only jughead-adjacent relationship i care about in this show
this jughead-cheryl friendship!!
Jenny: he trusts and believes in her!
she has betrayed him but he still has faith!!
and he is proven right! she comes through for him!
CC: whoa jenny
the most pro-jughead thing you have ever said in these roundtables ha ha ha ha
Jenny: i know it man
Jenny: cheryl makes people better
even if she does it by forcing other to be the good guy to her bad guy
she knows what she’s doing, and, like jug, i trust her
CC: I think so generally? but I really really do not like the way they’ve kinda just been using toni as a prop for cheryl’s character development
that’s not good
CC: but before that, I guess toni was kinda being used as a prop for jughead’s character development
when she is so cool! let toni live, Riverdale Writers!!!
Jenny: toni deserves a spinoff
that feels like such a reasonable and at the same time unrealistic ask
but she deserves that
CC: all i want is an episode where cheryl and toni are in different subplots
Jenny: she really does
Rachel: i did think it was selfish of them to keep up the cat burglar thing when it puts the rest of the serpents at risk
CC: SO TRUE
Rachel: like it felt like kind of a “fuck you dad you’re not my real dad” moment
that painting of hiram lodge tho
CC: is this the first time we’ve got a good look at it??? like THIS good a look at it???
Jenny: i think so
CC: what a power move, framing a portrait of yourself looking constipated
in your office
your own office
right above your head
Jenny: it really continues to be Too Much
Rachel: i’m surprised it doesn’t include that new fur coat that V called him out on
really leaning into that mob boss look
CC: i know it!!!
I wanna talk about
WhAT IS HAPPENING
Jenny: my god the nuns
CC: I think that those nuns getting kicked out post vatican II is the most anyone on this writing staff has tried to make something make sense
Jenny: abandoned by the catholic church — you have to be preeeeeeeeety bad
Rachel: fake nun girls
but also how old was that nun during vatican ii??
CC: probably like 70
she has always been 70
CC: what is dead can never die
but only comes back meaner and crankier
Jenny: it was 57 years ago though; she would’ve been a child
so it’s not like there are nuns around from the 50s
CC: maybe they’re all witches
Jenny: god i wish
i guess i hope
it could happen
i think a lot of these writers wish they were working on stranger things
just for the sake of timelines
except they’ve never played a tabletop game and don’t intend to start now
Rachel: here’s my hot tip for these writers — THERE ARE NO GAME CARDS IN DND
pushes up glasses!!!
CC: THAT REMINDS ME
so, the nuns made??? the game?????
did they do all this branding???
is there a nun who designed the logo?????
who prints their stuff????
where they print all their zines
Jenny: there’s like one nun who’s really into graphic design
has a lot of thoughts on fonts
maybe they set up a little printing press in the basement
they use it for brainwashing rpgs and bake sale flyers
Jenny: they did have that art class last ep
where everyone was drawing the gargoyle king
Rachel: they crowdsource the art from the patients
Jenny: hell yes they do
it’s not just drug testing
they exploit them any way they can
it was kind of a Trip to see them all behind bars tho
Rachel: lol I LOVE how Betty is in here
workin’ with the attorney
what a life she’s leading
CC: and a social worker!!! so responsible!!!
Jenny: she’s the only responsible person in this whole damn town
everyone else is out here doing dumb shit and here’s betty getting stuff done
if it weren’t for alice completely undermining all the work she did….
CC: but also, betty just going off on her own into dangerous situations without telling anybody where she’s going
show of hands
if you thought you were about to uncover a cache of dead bodies, the dead bodies of your enemies, would you wanna be the one to find it first?? alone??? by yourself???
do u wanna get framed for murder betty bc that’s how u get framed for murder
Jenny: look — the bar for responsibility is so low
who else could she take with her?? they are all dumbasses!!
but also yes i could see this coming back to bite her
CC: betty is full We Have Food At Home to be fair
CC: but not enough to plan ahead
when calling in a cache of dead bodies
oh let’s switch real quick to cover something else that i really hoped wouldn’t happen
reggie and veronica
Jenny: god i know
CC: yeah L O L W H A T
Rachel: i have really enjoyed reggie being her number 2 guy at the club but
CC: V has a type and that type is Dumb
although I have never liked Reggie more than in his second confrontation with the Gargoyle gang
god what a sentence to type, much less to think
“we have to stop meeting like this”
Rachel: i hope i get to say that someday in real life
CC: lol same
Jenny: i will say that reggie/veronica did happen for a while in the comics
CC: wow really?
i mean i guess i can see it
Jenny: idk idk archie def was v flirty and 100% made out w that barn girl
they are broken up
Rachel: true and i hated that too!!
i just want a girl and a dude who straight to be friends
and not have to suck each others faces off
Jenny: i mean, if i were v, and i didn’t know where archie was or when/if he was coming back?? and all i knew is that he dumped me “for my own good” as if he were ever actually a good judge of that?? as if he were ever actually better at making a single good decision than i am???
and reggie was just out here being hot and dependable
getting beaten up for me?? calling me a badass???
i’m into it
Rachel: i mean that’s fair though
a dependable guy!!!
running your contraband over national lines
nothing is sexier
Jenny: and being so thorough about it!
he never took the same route twice!!
CC: whoa jenny you do make a compelling argument
i was on Team Please Do Not Do That and now I’m on Team Okay I Can See It
archie never would have thought that far ahead
he’d take the same route each time and get his ass kicked Nightly
Jenny: that’s TRUE
this is really what sold me
Jenny: like, she is crooning at him about how “maybe this time”
and he’s just like
never has there been a more romantic thumbs up
Jenny: this dummy doesn’t know what to do but he doesn’t want to discourage it!!
CC: so, question tho
what’s up with him and josie???
are they??? not a thing anymore???
Jenny: i think the s3 premiere set up josie w fangs
but really set up josie w herself bc she’s focusing on her career rn
but yeah i will grant
that there was not a whole lot of clarity around how that ended to begin w
CC: god when hiram had to comment on josie’s singing, all I could think was
if something happened to it
he was real transparent about that!!
CC: I thought he’d pay off somebody with mono to cough on her or something
idk how mono is transmitted
Jenny: (it’s the kissing disease)
CC: also transmitted thru saliva! so!!!! it’s still possible! (hope this does not happen)
i finally googled it and wow mono is rough
Jenny: yeah i’m glad she doesn’t have mono
but it did seem like she was still scared off though?
if v was performing at the end?
CC: yeah talk about needing to burn the candle at both ends
cooking the books and headlining at the same time
who says u can’t have it all
are we ready for final thoughts?
Jenny: mine is p simple
i just really appreciate how much crying there was in this ep
Jenny: i love when people feeel
i love, specifically, when boys cry
CC: and there was a lot of that this ep!!
Jenny: so good! so vulnerable!
they do actually care about things in their lives, and/or other people!
CC: their moms! their regrets! their feelings!!!
Jenny: this is important representation and i am here for it!!
more boys crying 2k19
god my final take is that Kevin and Moose need to get out of the RROTC asap
this path they are on is going down has taken a weird turn
CC: whug yeah
Rachel: especially for Kevin!! who only joined to make out with a hot boy!!!!
get outta there Kevin it’s not worth it!
CC: i did like the juxtaposition between cheryl and toni confronting them? like, it was extremely On The Nose and all
but between those two being comfortable being together whereas moose has kinda pushed kevin into this really uncomfortable closeted space???? idk
Rachel: yeah i am not a fan
CC: my final thought is
well I’ve got 2 small ones
my first final thought is that it’s good to see nana rose doing something positive here in 2019
even though I personally do not think any children should go live in thistlehouse while penelope and claudius and whichever other evil blossoms are still hanging out there
my second final thought is that exchange between dream betty and archie
where archie is like “I haven’t played guitar in FOREVER betty”
in that I think somebody on the writing staff is still watching riverdale??? again?? which is good
first the serpent tattoo now this
can you imagine???
Jenny: oh man — i forgot about claudius; even though they made a point to bring him back last ep
but also yeah
it was nice
felt good after this whole “i want to kill” thing that archie’s been on recently
remember when things were simple
and there was just one murdered boy
CC: malt shops and murders and, uh, predatory music teachers
Jenny: oh god
remember when pop was like — i don’t want anything to do w this crime business miss lodge
and then this time he was just like — why yes here are your cooked books
CC: heated em up for you in the oven
Rachel: oh pop!!! they’ve corrupted you!
Jenny: bring back s1 guitar archie; and bring back s1 owns-his-own-diner pop
when we could still reasonably compare this garbage to twin peaks
Rachel: just bring back s1
CC: Riverdale Season 4: It was all a dream
Jenny: lol you joke but i’m ready for it
Need even MORE Riverdale Screaming in your life this week? We’ll do you one better — head on over to our Patreon today for a whole dang Riverdale Drinking Game! We invite our benevolent Patrons to enjoy this very specific Riverdale Screaming responsibly.