Romance Roundtable #30: Bridgerton (Episodes 3-5)

Welcome to Romance Roundtable: a feature where the editorial POME Crones gather together to discuss Romance media of all kinds. Join us for even more Bridgerton, our new favorite fake-dating regency romance featuring actual, real-life butts. How is babby formed? Join us to maybe find out (but probably not).


Ashley: so much happens in these three eps that i wrote little summaries by episode
should i go ahead and dump em in before horny/cackling chaos ensues?

Jenny: lolol do it!!

CC: yes pls

Ashley: okay!
in Ep 3, Daphne and Simon continue their ruse, and are basically visibly crushing on one another, though neither will admit it to themselves at first. Prince Friedrich, the Queen’s nephew, shows up in court to complicate matters. Daphne’s rival/frenemy Cressida gets the prince’s attention, but the Queen wants him to date her personal fave, Daphne, instead. Simon breaks up with Daphne the day after he explains masturbation to her and she rubs one out to the memory of him touching her neck. So of course, she starts dating the prince instead.
in Ep 4, the Prince gives Daphne a giant diamond necklace and starts proposing, only for Daphne to freak out, run outside, and run into Simon. They have a big fight and then make out, but are caught by big bro Anthony, who punches Simon’s lights out and demands he marry Daphne for soiling her honor or whatever. Simon refuses, and Anthony challenges Simon to a duel. Daphne finds out that Cressida saw the makeout sesh, so she realizes there’s no way to save her honor and keep Simon alive without getting married. Simon explains that he’d rather die than marry her because he “can’t” have children. Daphne decides to give up on her dream of a big birth-control free family and marry Simon rather than let him die.
in Ep. 5, Simon and Daphne get married, (!!!!) gloomily. Daphne asks her mom to explain sex, but mom Bridgerton only manages to mumble something about watering plants. Simon and Daphne leave, gloomily, for their honeymoon, and have a big fight at the Holiday Inn Express. They realize they’re actually in love, but more importantly, super horny for each other, and then bone. Yay!

Jenny:

Cressida to Daphne: "You dallied with the prince purely to rouse the duke's jealousy"
Cressida to Daphne: "and then you lured him into those gardens to trap him into marriage."

Ashley: LOL jenny OKAY way to completely successfully sum up those 3 eps in 2 screencaps

CC: oh wait
do you mind if I offer up my summary of all three in one go?

Ashley: do it!

CC:

Simon to Daphne: "We are awfully clever."

Rachel: lolllll

Ashley: hehehehehehehehehehehe

CC: …but that was a lie

Jenny: LOLOL

Ashley: spoiler: not really

Jenny: narrator: they were not
but yeah! ep2 ends with the dispatch of nasty nigel, and ep3 is when my sweet prince arrives!

Rachel: i love him! he’s a soft biscuit!
i’m so glad he wasn’t horrible

Jenny: me too!!

CC: the scene where the prince was sitting behind a giant plate of eggs while hanging out with the queen

Ashley: i loved the prince tbh

CC: jenny i love this for you

Ashley: i was expecting to hate him, but he was a sweetie!
although i kept mumbling to myself, “Fersen…. Fersen!!!”

The prince: "But if this gossip sheet is correct, then her heart is already spoken for."

CC: soft boy with hard boiled eggs in repose

The prince to Daphne: "Then I can only wish you a lifetime of contentment with your new husband."
The prince: "I have no interest in brandishing my title before the young lady, nor do I need to."
The prince: "I am happy for them. Everyone is happy for them."

Rachel: ok so i just finished reading The Duke and I last night
and there are a lot of differences and they are all for the better and this prince is one of them!!
he’s so good!

Ashley: oh, for real??? is he a BAD egg in the book?

Rachel: he’s not even IN IT

CC: wHAT

Ashley: H WAT

Rachel: honestly the book is way simpler than the show
like, big tittle opera gf isn’t there

Ashley: !!!!

Rachel: benedict has like 3 lines
eloise and penelope aren’t friends
marina isn’t there!!!
there’s no marina!

Ashley: this sounds bad lol

CC: what?????
wow

Jenny: this show is great and inspired, actually

Rachel: yeah they made a lot of good changes and it’s a much better show because of it

CC: love to experience the full version with all the dlc

Rachel: the QUEEN and LADY DANBURY are barely in it
the queen isn’t really in it at all
and lady danbury has like 2 lines

CC: jeez

Ashley: omfg

CC: I am removing my library hold as we speak

Rachel: LOL

CC: why do you think i came all this way????

Ashley: i’ve just lost my faith in books

Rachel: i’m reading Anthony’s book now, i will report back
here is a spoiler from literally the first chapter of his book: his dad dies young (38) and Anthony is convinced he can’t ever be better than his dad and also cannot live longer than his dad
just has convinced himself he’ll drop dead at 38 too

CC: sounds real

Ashley: !! yeah, now i’m kinda wondering if they did that adaptation thing where they shove a bunch of content from later installments into the first season
although, i read that netflix bought the next seven seasons, so !!

Jenny: oh HELL YES

Rachel: i’m so glad!! i mean i think each season will still have a focused romance but
i think it was definitely the right call to weave them all together from the beginning
like i care about penelope SO MUCH
but only because of the show!!

Jenny: it’s true
she is a gift

Rachel: the book barely mentions her!

CC: wow
booooo

Rachel: eloise literally has no lines
anyway, that’s the end of me comparing these things
the show is great

Ashley: damn, i mean, when i first saw eloise i was like, clearly this character is intended to pander to ex-hot topic teens like myself, and it works
but like…. to not have my babby goth analogue speak at all???? rude

CC: ok I am about to throw down a controversial opinion
i hope y’all will still love me when it’s over LOL

Rachel: LOL
controversial yet brave

CC: but
eloise
look I like to be pandered to but
whew
love her aesthetic but also i mean i too was a teen feminist who read a lot of books

Rachel: lol cc did you have a flashback to that guy who thought you reminded him of that Questionable Content character

CC: NO
NOOOO

Rachel: LOL

CC: we don’t talk about that in this sacred space
also it wasn’t ONE GUY it was EVERY GUY THAT HIT ON ME IN 2009
all three of them L O L

Ashley: also, the 8 seasons thing is a rumor, not confirmed, so they’re probably trying to GET netflix to buy them

Rachel: omg they really do need to pick up this series
we deserve it
sorry i realize we have barely actually talked about these episodes!!!

CC: yeah maybe it’s just daunting bc whew, life really comes at you fast
holding hands in episode 3 and then MAKING OUT in episode 4???
and then boning in episode 5????
my 19th century novel fan senses are scandalized

Ashley: also this wasn’t like a polite 19th century makeout
this was like, legs around waist type makeout

CC: can’t believe they got to third base (hand holding) in episode 3
also the duel, the salon threesome, a wedding

Ashley: omg i forget about the Benedict orgy subplot lolol

Jenny: i mean, this is an incredibly horny show!!

Simon taking Daphne's gloves off.
Simon licking a spoon.
Simon and Daphne's hands touching.

Rachel: they know what they are about THEY KNOW EXACTLY

Jenny: ep 3 was, i believe, a lot about hands bc it was also when:

Daphne gasps lightly.

Rachel: OH TRUE
so happy for you Daphne
this also doesn’t happen in the book

Jenny: women learn about masturbation
finally!

Simon to Daphne: "When you are alone, you can touch yourself..."

Jenny: a sexual health peer educator appears!

Rachel: LOL

CC: uhhhh

Rachel: seems true and real
i went to those sex health peer ed parties

Jenny: he’s doing more work than any of the moms, at the very least
he is her peer and he is educating her sexually

Ashley: SO true

CC: not enough anatomically accurate uterus models imo
this show could use like 3000 times more anatomically accurate uterus models

Ashley: let’s not be so hasty to give simon his laurels though, because at some point we NEED to talk about what happens at the peak of the CONSUMMATION

CC: i feel like the whole “how is babby formed” subplot is really the driving force of the whole season

Jenny: i mean — very much so

Ashley: when they have sex for the first time…. simon turns away as he orgasms, and like…. HE’S PULLING OUT, RIGHT????

Rachel: YEAH
DEFINITELY
also that DOES happen in the book

Ashley: i’m not sure if we’re supposed to catch but i was like WHAAAT THE FUCK

Rachel: yeah he knows how babby is formed

Ashley: apparently!!!

A random manga character saying: "YOu and your @#$*% bibles!"
A caption covering up the character (presumably) giving the bird: "WHOOPS! Can't show that in a Christian manga!"

Ashley: LMAO

Jenny: it’s true

CC: I just feel like this poor girl, this poor, poor girl really has no idea what to expect before he takes off his pants on their wedding night

Rose: "I shall not pretend to understand the extent of his physical impediment"

CC: there could be anything going on down there

Jenny: who’s to say

Rachel: a whole garrus of a situation

Ashley: i just remember being a kid and learning that babies come from sperm and egg, but no one explaining how the sperm gets to egg, and thinking for the longest time that it was like, a specific kind of kissing that does it

Rachel: SAME
thanks, Grease the movie
that movie makes a lot more sense after you’ve had some kind of sex ed

Jenny: lol what WAS greased lightning? the world my never know

Ashley: HA shit is that where that idea came from?

Rachel: i mean it was for me! rizzo and kinickie(??) are making out in the back of his car and he breaks his “insurance card”
I AM A CHILD I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT IS
and then they make out and get pregante so

CC: pregante
peegnat

Ashley: HAHAHAHA oh yeah i was like… what does car insurance have to do with forming babby
also WHY DID I UNDERSTAND CAR INSURANCE first? i hate capitalism

CC: look
i just want to talk about this show’s Our Bodies, Ourselves moment (except that it’s your crush explaining things to you which, IMO, would be super mortifying!!!!!)

Daphne: "When I am sleeping?"
Simon: "Not when you are sleeping."
Daphne: [is confused]

Ashley: LOL THE LOOK ON THEIR FACESSSSS
i would INSTANTLY move to a new country

Jenny: oh yeah not a situation that i would want to be in but it was incredibly satisfying to watch beautiful people be embarrassed

Rachel: TRUE
i live for that

Ashley: excellent point

Jenny: similarly

Benedict to Lady Danbury: "You diabolical... How could you let me rattle on like that?"

Jenny: when benedict criticizes the art in front of the artist and lady danbury just sits back and watches him dig the hole deeper
fantastic
this is the kind of crone energy i crave

Ashley: god i love her

CC: love to embarrass yourself while trolling

Rachel: truly an aspiration

Ashley: also if for some reason anyone reading this hasn’t actually watched the show yet, YES lady danbury has MANY cool hats like that

Jenny: she’s such a gift

Lady Danbury: "and if she loses her chance of such an extraordinary match..."
Lady Danbury to Simon: "You're foolish."

Jenny: so many good looks and so much sound advice

Ashley: i just realized that she’s literally the only person on earth who has successfully pulled off a Steampunk Hat
(which is what i call little stylized lady top hats)

CC: good for her
if anyone could, you know

Jenny: it’s true — an unattainable standard to set, but god she does it well

Rachel: also love to see a woman of years displaying her bosom with confidence

Jenny: oh man all the milfs are on it though

CC: i love that these moms coordinate their outfits

Mrs. Featherington: "It's about time you dressed in the family colors anyway."

Ashley: milf racks all day in these here episodes

Rachel: this show is all milfs and future-milfs
love that Portia has not adopted the empire waist
she is living her mad men fantasy

CC: lol I respect that so much
good for her

Mrs. Featherington: "I know that you have spent all our money."

Rachel: portia is hard to like but here she’s hard to hate!!

CC: love to live in that ambiguous frenemy zone!!!!
with a fictional character!!!

Rachel: one good thing about the book is that Mr. Featherington is long dead and we the readers do not have to suffer his presence

Ashley: hahaha ugh whatever F U C K that guy

CC: ok but the coordinated moms I meant were these two:

Lady Danbury: "Well, do not make haste on our account."

CC: are they matching in every scene????

Ashley: yess!!!!!!

Jenny: what if….
are they….you know….
dowagers 😏

CC: season 2 romance baybee

Ashley: y’all know lavender is my POWER COLOR so i was living for this ensemble

Rachel: LOL jenny
also her name is VIOLET SO

Ashley: wait i don’t get it, is this a youth joke

Jenny: sappho has a poem about her lover wearing a garland of violets
so, not nothing
but in any case, i will forever love her

Lady Bridgerton: "And I'm sober enough to know when you're being impertinent."

Jenny: PEAK “mommy doesn’t get drunk; mommy just has fun” linda belcher energy

Lady Bridgerton: "I did not overindulge."

Rachel: HAHAHAHA
love that

Ashley: lololololololol
also, OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH @ the violets
i’m a little ashamed i did not get this actually ANCIENT joke!

CC: we’re shipping the milfs

Jenny: i mean, this is a show with great depth and subtlety

Simon's butt, tastefully censored by the POME logo.

CC: L O L O L O L

Rachel: YOU DID IT

Ashley: OMG

CC: i hoped we could make it happen and jenny, you did!!!

Rachel: her face

CC: she makes a LOT of great faces during this scene

Daphne, chuckles.

Ashley: man, i feel bad for thinking of her as a babby keira knightley because she has a MUCH wider and impressive range of facial expressions

Jenny: i do want to touch on this scene for a minute
this is their wedding night
the night after they have their wedding
they are married
AND YET
they both still somehow have managed to stay in the fake dating sweet spot of mutual pining and mutual denial!!

Daphne to Simon: "I am the one who trapped you into this marriage."
Simon to Daphne: "I trapped you."

Jenny: they are literally married to each other being like — ok but do you like me??

Ashley: honestly just, masterful

Simon to Daphne: "Everything I told the queen was true."

Jenny: i’ve never seen it taken that far before!! (with straight people who are fictional)
incredible!!

CC: these two are so dumb
they are so beautiful and so dumb!!!!!!

Ashley: the tension was insane, i was going to scream if they didn’t kiss and then it just ESCALATED

Daphne to Simon: "You look angry and bothered. Look at you, you are downright flushed."

Ashley: hornttttttt

Daphne and Simon kissing, finally.

Jenny: but honestly this scene was kind of a lot of screentime, and i appreciated it

Ashley: with her lil claire’s feathery chignon

CC: so, ok, I wanna touch on something but idk if it is actually all that important to the plot
the duel
can we talk about the stupid duel

Ashley: i GUESS

Anthony to his mistress: "But what if we were to find ourselves in another situation"
Anthony to his mistress: "If I live to see sunrise, I am free..."

Jenny: fucking anthony
this stupid selfish bitch

CC: plot grinds under the weight of the contrivance

Jenny: i’m going to contrive a duel so i can run away from my responsibilities
and it’s going to be all someone else’s fault
i’m just doing my duty

Ashley: he is peak cancer sun scorpio moon MALE energy

CC: maritime law!!!!
if you get into a duel you can marry whoever you want it’s literally the law

Daphne to Anthony: "or is it your own male pride that you seek to satisfy?"

Jenny: he’ll have to flee the country for murdering simon
so like, love that he’s not worried about prison or whatever

Ashley: duels = regency men as corsets = regency women
just a thing you gotta do to appease the gender gods!

CC: offering of one (1) duel
now we can show butts on screen
the gods are pleased with the offering

Jenny: fair trade

Ashley: i mean, when you put it that way…. i accept I GUESS

Jenny: still

Daphne: "I am perfectly well, no thanks to you idiots."

CC: tl;dr

Ashley: HAHAHAHAHA yes that is the energy i am bringing to every duel

Daphne on her horse as it rears up, interrupting the duel.

CC: the cloak was a nice touch
can’t ride your white horse into gunfire w/o a cloak

Jenny: the better to conceal a stunt double
but also yes v v v dramatique

Rachel: fucking Arwyn over here, you love to see it

Ashley: snort

Lady Bridgerton drinking wine (presumably) and looking knowingly at something off camera.

Rachel: me @ this show

Jenny: TRULY

CC: i’m glad mom was hung over and missed the entire duel

Ashley: this is like when two florida frat boys are fighting over the same psych major so they like, bump chests outside the strip mall bar but then the psych major passes out from a 3-seconds too long keg stand

Rachel: lol i love the detail in this metaphor
almost as if it was a lived experience

Ashley: it came entirely from my imagination, i have no idea what you mean

Rachel: lollll
well, are y’all ready for final thoughts??

CC: oooh yes yes yes please

Rachel: i have one and it is for jenny

That glee meme: "I am going to contrive a reason to duel that is so toxic"

Jenny: LOLOLOL

Ashley: the wheeze that just came out of my chest

Rachel: lollll jenny you inspired this so i have to give credit, i just manifested it for you

Jenny: i am honored

CC: rachel comin out swinging with the memespiration
you know
i do not like that portmanteau but you know what I mean!!!

Jenny: lol ok i have a final thought and it is for rachel

Benedict: "It's the lines. Not what they're supposed to be."

Rachel: !!!
LOL
IT’S TRUE

Jenny: is it just me or is benedict becoming the most relatable bridgerton

CC: i still don’t like him but mostly just bc I always forget which one he is if he isn’t doing art things

Benedict to his friend: "What happened the other night? I do not believe anything happened at all."

Jenny: i’m waiting for his messy bisexual awakening

CC: one can only hope

Benedict's art friend to Benedict: "But know you are welcome back any time for practice or even conversation."

Rachel: [in a frankenfurter voice] conver……. sation

Ashley: jenny, I TOO AM WAITING
i received an anonymous question about this show which was: “where are they hiding the rest of the gay sex scenes” AND I WISH I HAD AN ASWER!!

Women in loose fitting grecian dresses, dancing around.

Jenny: in future seasons, we can only hope

Ashley: i truly do hope so

CC: truly this is the most heterosexual show I have watched in years so here’s hoping that’s what the next 7 seasons will be about LOL

Ashley: CC thank you for saying it!!!

Jenny: manifesting this

Ashley: i feel this painful straight gaze with all shondaland shows so i’m trying not to get my hopes up too high here

CC: ok I have a final thought and it is just for me
also ashley but to be honest: mostly just for me
so the scene where they have to convince the queen they are actually in love

Simon: "but it was not love at first sight for either of us."
Simon: "I have never been a man that much enjoyed flirting, or chatting"
Simon: "Or, indeed, talking at all."

CC: is, essentially, just a rehash of the BEAUTIFUL wedding scene in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine where Odo marries Lwaxana Troi to fend off her overbearing ex husband as they are very dear friends and he has to say very touching vows to convince everyone he is truly in love with her

Goo man: "Lwaxana is not just any woman!"

CC: it’s a good episode!!! watch deep space nine!!!! lwaxana troi loving hours only!!!!

Jenny: CC!!!!

Rachel: omg cc

Jenny: you’re a gift

CC: season 4 episode 20: the muse

Rachel: lollllllll this is
chef’s kiss

Ashley: omg
REVELATORY

CC: start at 31:20 for the vows
it’s the only important part of the episode

Jenny: lololololololol blessings upon this knowledge

CC: you’re welcome!!!!!!! L O L

Ashley: okay i think i’m last for final thoughts yeah?

CC: yeah! unless you want more screenshots of odo and lwaxana’s wedding lmao
jk go for it

From Rose of Versailles: "Adieu... Adieu Fersen... Dream of my Youth... This sweet longing that swept my heart away... Today I say adieu to those long gone days..."

CC: ADIEUUUUUUU

Ashley: goodbye, sweet egg prince
gone too soon

Rachel: LOLLL
i hope you find your egg princess

The prince and Daphne, dancing.

Join us next time for even more love story shouting in our next Romance Roundtable! In the meantime, check out our Patreon for just a few bonus goofs that didn’t make it into today’s roundtable, as a treat.

Carolynn Calabrese

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!
Jenny Mott

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.
Ashley Gallagher

Ashley Gallagher

Ashley writes comics and emails from zir burrow in the Pacific Northwest. Ze is a sentient subtropical swamp fern whose favorite food is old words.
Rachel Weiss

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.
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