Welcome to Romance Roundtable: a feature where the editorial POME Crones gather together to discuss Romance media of all kinds. Join us for even more Bridgerton, our new favorite fake-dating regency romance featuring actual, real-life butts. How is babby formed? Join us to maybe find out (but probably not).
Ashley: so much happens in these three eps that i wrote little summaries by episode
should i go ahead and dump em in before horny/cackling chaos ensues?
Jenny: lolol do it!!
CC: yes pls
in Ep 3, Daphne and Simon continue their ruse, and are basically visibly crushing on one another, though neither will admit it to themselves at first. Prince Friedrich, the Queen’s nephew, shows up in court to complicate matters. Daphne’s rival/frenemy Cressida gets the prince’s attention, but the Queen wants him to date her personal fave, Daphne, instead. Simon breaks up with Daphne the day after he explains masturbation to her and she rubs one out to the memory of him touching her neck. So of course, she starts dating the prince instead.
in Ep 4, the Prince gives Daphne a giant diamond necklace and starts proposing, only for Daphne to freak out, run outside, and run into Simon. They have a big fight and then make out, but are caught by big bro Anthony, who punches Simon’s lights out and demands he marry Daphne for soiling her honor or whatever. Simon refuses, and Anthony challenges Simon to a duel. Daphne finds out that Cressida saw the makeout sesh, so she realizes there’s no way to save her honor and keep Simon alive without getting married. Simon explains that he’d rather die than marry her because he “can’t” have children. Daphne decides to give up on her dream of a big birth-control free family and marry Simon rather than let him die.
in Ep. 5, Simon and Daphne get married, (!!!!) gloomily. Daphne asks her mom to explain sex, but mom Bridgerton only manages to mumble something about watering plants. Simon and Daphne leave, gloomily, for their honeymoon, and have a big fight at the Holiday Inn Express. They realize they’re actually in love, but more importantly, super horny for each other, and then bone. Yay!
Ashley: LOL jenny OKAY way to completely successfully sum up those 3 eps in 2 screencaps
CC: oh wait
do you mind if I offer up my summary of all three in one go?
Ashley: do it!
CC: …but that was a lie
Ashley: spoiler: not really
Jenny: narrator: they were not
but yeah! ep2 ends with the dispatch of nasty nigel, and ep3 is when my sweet prince arrives!
Rachel: i love him! he’s a soft biscuit!
i’m so glad he wasn’t horrible
Jenny: me too!!
CC: the scene where the prince was sitting behind a giant plate of eggs while hanging out with the queen
Ashley: i loved the prince tbh
CC: jenny i love this for you
Ashley: i was expecting to hate him, but he was a sweetie!
although i kept mumbling to myself, “Fersen…. Fersen!!!”
CC: soft boy with hard boiled eggs in repose
Rachel: ok so i just finished reading The Duke and I last night
and there are a lot of differences and they are all for the better and this prince is one of them!!
he’s so good!
Ashley: oh, for real??? is he a BAD egg in the book?
Rachel: he’s not even IN IT
Ashley: H WAT
Rachel: honestly the book is way simpler than the show
like, big tittle opera gf isn’t there
Rachel: benedict has like 3 lines
eloise and penelope aren’t friends
marina isn’t there!!!
there’s no marina!
Ashley: this sounds bad lol
Jenny: this show is great and inspired, actually
Rachel: yeah they made a lot of good changes and it’s a much better show because of it
CC: love to experience the full version with all the dlc
Rachel: the QUEEN and LADY DANBURY are barely in it
the queen isn’t really in it at all
and lady danbury has like 2 lines
CC: I am removing my library hold as we speak
CC: why do you think i came all this way????
Ashley: i’ve just lost my faith in books
Rachel: i’m reading Anthony’s book now, i will report back
here is a spoiler from literally the first chapter of his book: his dad dies young (38) and Anthony is convinced he can’t ever be better than his dad and also cannot live longer than his dad
just has convinced himself he’ll drop dead at 38 too
CC: sounds real
Ashley: !! yeah, now i’m kinda wondering if they did that adaptation thing where they shove a bunch of content from later installments into the first season
although, i read that netflix bought the next seven seasons, so !!
Jenny: oh HELL YES
Rachel: i’m so glad!! i mean i think each season will still have a focused romance but
i think it was definitely the right call to weave them all together from the beginning
like i care about penelope SO MUCH
but only because of the show!!
Jenny: it’s true
she is a gift
Rachel: the book barely mentions her!
Rachel: eloise literally has no lines
anyway, that’s the end of me comparing these things
the show is great
Ashley: damn, i mean, when i first saw eloise i was like, clearly this character is intended to pander to ex-hot topic teens like myself, and it works
but like…. to not have my babby goth analogue speak at all???? rude
CC: ok I am about to throw down a controversial opinion
i hope y’all will still love me when it’s over LOL
controversial yet brave
look I like to be pandered to but
love her aesthetic but also i mean i too was a teen feminist who read a lot of books
Rachel: lol cc did you have a flashback to that guy who thought you reminded him of that Questionable Content character
CC: we don’t talk about that in this sacred space
also it wasn’t ONE GUY it was EVERY GUY THAT HIT ON ME IN 2009
all three of them L O L
Ashley: also, the 8 seasons thing is a rumor, not confirmed, so they’re probably trying to GET netflix to buy them
Rachel: omg they really do need to pick up this series
we deserve it
sorry i realize we have barely actually talked about these episodes!!!
CC: yeah maybe it’s just daunting bc whew, life really comes at you fast
holding hands in episode 3 and then MAKING OUT in episode 4???
and then boning in episode 5????
my 19th century novel fan senses are scandalized
Ashley: also this wasn’t like a polite 19th century makeout
this was like, legs around waist type makeout
CC: can’t believe they got to third base (hand holding) in episode 3
also the duel, the salon threesome, a wedding
Ashley: omg i forget about the Benedict orgy subplot lolol
Jenny: i mean, this is an incredibly horny show!!
Rachel: they know what they are about THEY KNOW EXACTLY
Jenny: ep 3 was, i believe, a lot about hands bc it was also when:
Rachel: OH TRUE
so happy for you Daphne
this also doesn’t happen in the book
Jenny: women learn about masturbation
Jenny: a sexual health peer educator appears!
Rachel: seems true and real
i went to those sex health peer ed parties
Jenny: he’s doing more work than any of the moms, at the very least
he is her peer and he is educating her sexually
Ashley: SO true
CC: not enough anatomically accurate uterus models imo
this show could use like 3000 times more anatomically accurate uterus models
Ashley: let’s not be so hasty to give simon his laurels though, because at some point we NEED to talk about what happens at the peak of the CONSUMMATION
CC: i feel like the whole “how is babby formed” subplot is really the driving force of the whole season
Jenny: i mean — very much so
Ashley: when they have sex for the first time…. simon turns away as he orgasms, and like…. HE’S PULLING OUT, RIGHT????
also that DOES happen in the book
Ashley: i’m not sure if we’re supposed to catch but i was like WHAAAT THE FUCK
Rachel: yeah he knows how babby is formed
Jenny: it’s true
CC: I just feel like this poor girl, this poor, poor girl really has no idea what to expect before he takes off his pants on their wedding night
CC: there could be anything going on down there
Jenny: who’s to say
Rachel: a whole garrus of a situation
Ashley: i just remember being a kid and learning that babies come from sperm and egg, but no one explaining how the sperm gets to egg, and thinking for the longest time that it was like, a specific kind of kissing that does it
thanks, Grease the movie
that movie makes a lot more sense after you’ve had some kind of sex ed
Jenny: lol what WAS greased lightning? the world my never know
Ashley: HA shit is that where that idea came from?
Rachel: i mean it was for me! rizzo and kinickie(??) are making out in the back of his car and he breaks his “insurance card”
I AM A CHILD I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT IS
and then they make out and get pregante so
Ashley: HAHAHAHA oh yeah i was like… what does car insurance have to do with forming babby
also WHY DID I UNDERSTAND CAR INSURANCE first? i hate capitalism
i just want to talk about this show’s Our Bodies, Ourselves moment (except that it’s your crush explaining things to you which, IMO, would be super mortifying!!!!!)
Ashley: LOL THE LOOK ON THEIR FACESSSSS
i would INSTANTLY move to a new country
Jenny: oh yeah not a situation that i would want to be in but it was incredibly satisfying to watch beautiful people be embarrassed
i live for that
Ashley: excellent point
Jenny: when benedict criticizes the art in front of the artist and lady danbury just sits back and watches him dig the hole deeper
this is the kind of crone energy i crave
Ashley: god i love her
CC: love to embarrass yourself while trolling
Rachel: truly an aspiration
Ashley: also if for some reason anyone reading this hasn’t actually watched the show yet, YES lady danbury has MANY cool hats like that
Jenny: she’s such a gift
Jenny: so many good looks and so much sound advice
Ashley: i just realized that she’s literally the only person on earth who has successfully pulled off a Steampunk Hat
(which is what i call little stylized lady top hats)
CC: good for her
if anyone could, you know
Jenny: it’s true — an unattainable standard to set, but god she does it well
Rachel: also love to see a woman of years displaying her bosom with confidence
Jenny: oh man all the milfs are on it though
CC: i love that these moms coordinate their outfits
Ashley: milf racks all day in these here episodes
Rachel: this show is all milfs and future-milfs
love that Portia has not adopted the empire waist
she is living her mad men fantasy
CC: lol I respect that so much
good for her
Rachel: portia is hard to like but here she’s hard to hate!!
CC: love to live in that ambiguous frenemy zone!!!!
with a fictional character!!!
Rachel: one good thing about the book is that Mr. Featherington is long dead and we the readers do not have to suffer his presence
Ashley: hahaha ugh whatever F U C K that guy
CC: ok but the coordinated moms I meant were these two:
CC: are they matching in every scene????
Jenny: what if….
are they….you know….
CC: season 2 romance baybee
Ashley: y’all know lavender is my POWER COLOR so i was living for this ensemble
Rachel: LOL jenny
also her name is VIOLET SO
Ashley: wait i don’t get it, is this a youth joke
Jenny: sappho has a poem about her lover wearing a garland of violets
so, not nothing
but in any case, i will forever love her
Jenny: PEAK “mommy doesn’t get drunk; mommy just has fun” linda belcher energy
also, OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH @ the violets
i’m a little ashamed i did not get this actually ANCIENT joke!
CC: we’re shipping the milfs
Jenny: i mean, this is a show with great depth and subtlety
CC: L O L O L O L
Rachel: YOU DID IT
CC: i hoped we could make it happen and jenny, you did!!!
Rachel: her face
CC: she makes a LOT of great faces during this scene
Ashley: man, i feel bad for thinking of her as a babby keira knightley because she has a MUCH wider and impressive range of facial expressions
Jenny: i do want to touch on this scene for a minute
this is their wedding night
the night after they have their wedding
they are married
they both still somehow have managed to stay in the fake dating sweet spot of mutual pining and mutual denial!!
Jenny: they are literally married to each other being like — ok but do you like me??
Ashley: honestly just, masterful
Jenny: i’ve never seen it taken that far before!! (with straight people who are fictional)
CC: these two are so dumb
they are so beautiful and so dumb!!!!!!
Ashley: the tension was insane, i was going to scream if they didn’t kiss and then it just ESCALATED
Jenny: but honestly this scene was kind of a lot of screentime, and i appreciated it
Ashley: with her lil claire’s feathery chignon
CC: so, ok, I wanna touch on something but idk if it is actually all that important to the plot
can we talk about the stupid duel
Ashley: i GUESS
Jenny: fucking anthony
this stupid selfish bitch
CC: plot grinds under the weight of the contrivance
Jenny: i’m going to contrive a duel so i can run away from my responsibilities
and it’s going to be all someone else’s fault
i’m just doing my duty
Ashley: he is peak cancer sun scorpio moon MALE energy
CC: maritime law!!!!
if you get into a duel you can marry whoever you want it’s literally the law
Jenny: he’ll have to flee the country for murdering simon
so like, love that he’s not worried about prison or whatever
Ashley: duels = regency men as corsets = regency women
just a thing you gotta do to appease the gender gods!
CC: offering of one (1) duel
now we can show butts on screen
the gods are pleased with the offering
Jenny: fair trade
Ashley: i mean, when you put it that way…. i accept I GUESS
Ashley: HAHAHAHAHA yes that is the energy i am bringing to every duel
CC: the cloak was a nice touch
can’t ride your white horse into gunfire w/o a cloak
Jenny: the better to conceal a stunt double
but also yes v v v dramatique
Rachel: fucking Arwyn over here, you love to see it
Rachel: me @ this show
CC: i’m glad mom was hung over and missed the entire duel
Ashley: this is like when two florida frat boys are fighting over the same psych major so they like, bump chests outside the strip mall bar but then the psych major passes out from a 3-seconds too long keg stand
Rachel: lol i love the detail in this metaphor
almost as if it was a lived experience
Ashley: it came entirely from my imagination, i have no idea what you mean
well, are y’all ready for final thoughts??
CC: oooh yes yes yes please
Rachel: i have one and it is for jenny
Ashley: the wheeze that just came out of my chest
Rachel: lollll jenny you inspired this so i have to give credit, i just manifested it for you
Jenny: i am honored
CC: rachel comin out swinging with the memespiration
i do not like that portmanteau but you know what I mean!!!
Jenny: lol ok i have a final thought and it is for rachel
Jenny: is it just me or is benedict becoming the most relatable bridgerton
CC: i still don’t like him but mostly just bc I always forget which one he is if he isn’t doing art things
Jenny: i’m waiting for his messy bisexual awakening
CC: one can only hope
Rachel: [in a frankenfurter voice] conver……. sation
Ashley: jenny, I TOO AM WAITING
i received an anonymous question about this show which was: “where are they hiding the rest of the gay sex scenes” AND I WISH I HAD AN ASWER!!
Jenny: in future seasons, we can only hope
Ashley: i truly do hope so
CC: truly this is the most heterosexual show I have watched in years so here’s hoping that’s what the next 7 seasons will be about LOL
Ashley: CC thank you for saying it!!!
Jenny: manifesting this
Ashley: i feel this painful straight gaze with all shondaland shows so i’m trying not to get my hopes up too high here
CC: ok I have a final thought and it is just for me
also ashley but to be honest: mostly just for me
so the scene where they have to convince the queen they are actually in love
CC: is, essentially, just a rehash of the BEAUTIFUL wedding scene in Star Trek: Deep Space Nine where Odo marries Lwaxana Troi to fend off her overbearing ex husband as they are very dear friends and he has to say very touching vows to convince everyone he is truly in love with her
CC: it’s a good episode!!! watch deep space nine!!!! lwaxana troi loving hours only!!!!
Rachel: omg cc
Jenny: you’re a gift
CC: season 4 episode 20: the muse
Rachel: lollllllll this is
CC: start at 31:20 for the vows
it’s the only important part of the episode
Jenny: lololololololol blessings upon this knowledge
CC: you’re welcome!!!!!!! L O L
Ashley: okay i think i’m last for final thoughts yeah?
CC: yeah! unless you want more screenshots of odo and lwaxana’s wedding lmao
jk go for it
Ashley: goodbye, sweet egg prince
gone too soon
i hope you find your egg princess
Join us next time for even more love story shouting in our next Romance Roundtable! In the meantime, check out our Patreon for just a few bonus goofs that didn’t make it into today’s roundtable, as a treat.