Welcome to A Very Chilling Sabrina Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about the chills, thrills, and top shelf witchery in Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Today, it’s all about Lupercalia (Witches’ Sadie Hawkins May Day Valentines Orgy but with Furries), and boys who sure are good at saying the right things (but are they good at doing the right things??) That’s what we’re here to find out!
Jenny: so i think we should start w a summary??
CC: so excited for witches’ st patrick’s day
Jenny: can’t wait for witches arbor day
CC: truly hype for witches’ labor day
Jenny: oh god yes
CC: tell me how to live, socialist witch forbearers
Jenny: the content i crave
but for real so much happened in this episode —
witches’ Valentine’s Day is just a 3-day long orgy festival that draws from A) May Day (a celebration of Spring? in February??) and B) from Little Red Riding Hood???
it’s seems like a bit of a mess
Rachel: a sexy mess
Jenny: a Very Sexy Mess
much like mortal Valentines Day here in Greendale
CC: on record I just want to say that I truly do not understand the social mores of sexuality in the dark church
Jenny: totally fair! i don’t think there’s actually any internal logic to it!
i think these writers are really trying to reconcile the fact that witchcraft has always been a metaphor for female liberation with the fact that they just discovered feminism on tumblr last week and they want to talk about it dammit
CC: i love that somebody in the dark church us producing informative pop-up books for participating in the traditional v-day dark orgy
Jenny: oh god truly
Rachel: i love that somebody in real life got that job in the prop department
Jenny: THIS PROP DEPARTMENT
THEY WERE ON IT THIS EP
Jenny: The DESIRES of FALLEN ANGELS
CC: I SAW THAT TOO
Rachel: hilda continues to be an absolute gem and the best part of this series
CC: ok so
serious question
for the church of night, is “the desires of fallen angels” like
christian smutty romance novels? the steamy amish romances called “plowing the untilled field [of the lord]” or w/e????
it’s basically religious steamy romance right????
Jenny: lol i hope so! i mean, there is a HUGE christian romance novel section at half price, so i think this must be the equivalent
Rachel: 1000%
it’s like, chaste youths almost boning but NOT QUITE
until marriage, that is
Jenny: ofc
but then yeah after marriage it’s just a lot of
CC: ok but to be clear, I am talking about those romance novels that are like “they’re MARRIED y’all ALL BETS ARE OFF we’re going to the bone zone bc god bless us in holy matrimony one and all”
they exist; I swear; i helped my grandma in her flea market booth and there were only so many sweet water high books I could find in the used book bin
Jenny: of course of course how do you think hilda knows how to spell it if not for having seen it written so much
CC: I really wanna know what the satanic alternative is to the usual “””””sensual”””” romance novel metaphors
Jenny: maybe it’s like — young people who have to save themselves for the dark lord, but once they hit 16/sign their souls away all bets are off
or idk marriage is definitely a thing for this brand of satanists
CC: I guess to an extent LOL
omg
what an episode
Jenny: maybe there’s some, like, forbidden romance to be had there?
idk idk
yeah for sure SO MUCH HAPPENED
Rachel: this marriage proposal
it STINKS
CC: lol it stinks but i was delighted by zelda’s reaction to it
Jenny: and we’re not just talking about the raw turtle dove hearts!
Jenny: oh hell yeah
CC: what is UP with warlocks and raw hearts
Jenny: isn’t that what witches want??
raw hearts and worthy opponents??
CC:
Jenny: hard.core.
CC: marital kombat
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Rachel: i get that Zelda wants to bring honor and prestige back to the spellman name
but this dude is just the nastiest
and he makes life for sabrina consistently hard
Jenny: it’s true
he sucks
but if she were to marry him…
and then he were to have an accident…
CC: kill him and take his job!!!
Jenny: exactly!
who better suited to step in than his trusted wife
she’s playing the long game
Rachel: oh i love that plan actually
Jenny: very same
we can only hope
but at least we do have one assurance
Jenny: just — audible relief
oh thank god
CC: HARD SAME
what a relief
I think there was a time when she had feelings for him tbh
but I think a lot of last season kinda…….. put a damper on that
Jenny: yeah yeah for sure — there’s only so much “watching him actively and selectively make things difficult for your niece/ward” that anyone could reasonably forgive
CC: i hate how much game I am SURE he thinks he has
CC: nice try my dude
Jenny: oh my god yeah ????
Rachel: can we talk about this scene??
the may pole in february
Jenny: the SEXY may pole in february
CC: uh don’t u mean the FEBRUARY POLE rachel
lolololol jk
Rachel: the sexy february pole
i can’t get over the school-sanctioned boning that goes on here
Jenny: fair
very fair
but at least
Jenny: thee school provides access to some berries of phylaxis
CC: I think we can def confirm that this can’t take place in upstate new york bc what kind of witch festival involves sleeping outside at that time of year
Jenny: oh def — like
if they’re decorating trees to welcome the spring and it’s mid-february then i think they’ve got to be living, like, here?
CC: welcome to greendale tx
Jenny: it’s not a coal mine it’s an oil drill
but they didn’t have an oil drill set so we just use our imaginations
Rachel: maybe witches don’t get cold??
Jenny: a good point
Rachel: or maybe the implication is that there will be so much sex-ing going on nobody will get chilly
oh ho ho ho
Jenny: yeah and they’re all kept warm by hellfire in their hearts/loins?
CC: inflamed with passion
Jenny: that sounds like an STD
CC: +1
Jenny: i take it back
bc yeah the whole premise of school-sanctioned witches’ valentines orgy just doesn’t make sense to me
CC: maybe you only get slutshamed by the real life author of The Lottery
if you bone outside of religious holidays
Jenny: LOL
i think you’ve cracked it
those are the weird rules governing sexuality in the church of night
save it for lupercalia
Rachel: lol
CC: pon farr comes but once a year, i guess
Rachel: that red riding hood thing though — like, who’s kink is that
i feel like one high priest ages ago was just like, “and then they’re all WOLVES”
“but it’s the RED RIDING HOODS that chase THEM”
CC: ewwwwwwwwwwww
so this is
the sadie hawkins mayday valentine’s dance???
Jenny: but with furries (a little bit)
the sadie hawkins mayday valetines orgy but w furries
CC: got this crystal ball……just 2 look into the future and pre-invent furries
Jenny: lol
this is so complicated
ok ok but for real
there’s still so much more to cover in this ep
the most important one being:
Jenny: FUCKING FINALLY DR. CERBERUS IS BACK BUT HE IS BREAKING MY HEART
CC: god bless
here for it bc i love pain
Rachel: YESSSS
and also lovers who want to be together but CAN’T
for REASONS
CC: ugh
so good
Jenny: now i bet THAT’S a romance novel hilda’s read
but also the whole DR. C plotline of this ep was such a rollercoaster
CC: “””taming the incubus”
Jenny:
Jenny: when they said INCUBUS
god i think i screamed
i was so happy for our girl
CC: get it hilda
Jenny:
Jenny: he’s coming for you
(but in a sexy and totally consensual way)
BUT ALSO
can i just say
the scene transition from THIS ^^^ with the howling
Jenny: to THIS ^^^
teens slowdancing to HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF BY DURAN DURAN???
what the fuck teens!??!?!
do you not know a BOP when you HEAR ONE??!?!
CC: this whole playlist and costume design combo at the dance was So Much
also all the couples in the bg who just look Tortured
Jenny: i mean i cannot imagine having to be an extra on this set
just, like, how much b-roll did they film of teens dancing
hours probably!
exhausting!
Rachel: also the introduction of amalia
the whole amalia thing is so much
Jenny: oh god
it’s SO MUCH
CC: yeah it’s a A Lot
Jenny: like — she’s his familiar who is also a werewolf who is also his ONLY family??
that’s A LOT
that’s so many things to be!
but also!
the whole thing about her!
is so fucked up!
like
Jenny: he “KILLS” her???
acts like that’s a normal and ok thing for him to have done for this girl he just started dating???
KILLS HIS ONLY FAMILY??!?!?!
(that’s SO MUCH PRESSURE. FUCK)
Rachel: also, here’s my real question
why is she wearing an old timey dress
WHY
who gave her that dress and who put it on her!!!!!
it’s such a weird choice!!!!!!
Jenny: that is a great question that i do not have an answer for
but you’re right!
you’re absolutely right!
it’s SO WEIRD!!
Rachel: i found it to be incredibly distracting
also like always, i appreciate the dedication to real fx but this wolf suit was awful
even outside of the weird attire
Jenny: god yeah it was bad
CC: i mean they could have just hired the wolf unit from game of thrones
not like they’re doing anything rn
????????????????
Jenny: LOL
CC: look i wanna talk about dr c and hilda a little bit more if yall are ok with that
Jenny: oh yeah go for it
always down
Rachel: oh yes obviously
CC: i just wanna say that
I LOVE hilda and zelda’s new dynamic
and I LOVED zelda giving hilda advice on how to bone an incubus
also the pep talks all throughout
love this
more pls
Jenny: YOU ARE A HUNTRESS
sisterhood!
CC: put a rift between any other relationship but pls satan preserve this one
Jenny: honestly i feel like s1 did a lot of work forcing zelda to confront the fact that hilda is valuable, actually; and i’m so glad these writers have chosen to remember that!
but also i think it helps that zelda feels a lot more secure in her position in the church of night — like, she’s less likely to lash out
CC: god so glad the writers remembered season 1
Jenny: praise satan
CC: also ya that’s a great point!
how when you feel insecure, you tend to take it out on others
zelda is more balanced so she has more emotional energy to devote to being a good sister
Rachel: yeah honestly as an older sister the cain/abel thing made me so uncomfortable lol
i am glad they have grown beyond that in the show
CC: LOL we’re on the chopping block
ha ha ha ha ha
but also agreed
Jenny: i really want to get back to the mortal valentines day dance — so much comes together there
we get the introduction of amalia
but we ALSO get
harvey/roz
AND
mary/adam!!!!
CC: OMG
Jenny: which is just!!
the weirdest thing!!
CC: i do not know how to feel about it
other than
nice pun lol
pun or gnostic deep cut idc
Jenny: it’s def too on the nose
CC: LOL
Jenny: and it really feels like these asshole writers are back up to their garbage tricks again
Rachel: LOL
loved that
i honestly did not see this whole twist coming
Jenny: oh def — i didn’t see it coming either
i think they did a really good job w the reveal of it bc it kind of put us into the same position lilith is in
like — who the fuck is this guy??
CC: ok but honestly, my main question about this is: is god real too?????
Jenny: i think god must be real, if satan is real
like, they’re playing into the whole Very Biblical interpretation of things
Rachel: yeah, like we learned in that Morality Play
where Ambrose plays god
a very sexy pansexual god
Jenny: def
CC: i think adam’s timing is too good and that he has to be a meddler from the “””false god””” or w/e
Jenny: oooooh
hot take
could be could be
he is DEFINITELY a little too perfectly tailored to our girl Lil
Jenny: like
what the fuck but also it’s perfect for her
CC: i love that the creepy doll changed her mind
the fine line between getting stabbed in the neck and being allowed to give the bride of satan a foot rub is a good gift
Rachel: well also she’s in a delicate place
Satan has been so rude!!
and not appreciating her!
her crying at that play really made it clear her feelings of betrayal
and here waltzes in this guy who loves her and appreciates her and gives her creepy dolls
CC: lucifer is a bad boyfriend
Jenny: makes me wonder what kind of a freak was the real mary wardwell
would love to see a prequel
CC: lol same
Rachel: LOL
good point!!
i mean she was like the witch historian of the town
Jenny: oh man yeah!
that’s like — the only thing we actually know for sure about her
would LOVE a prequel
CC: omg i just realized
with lilith describing mary wardwell as an unattractive, unhappy spinster
but in the last episode, sabrina wearing what is essentially a wardwell wig to play lilith in the school play
how much does wardwell???? actually??? look like lilith??????
i mean it probably doesn’t matter
but still
don’t let the dark lord tell u how 2 feel about urself girl
Jenny: i think the closest we’ve seen so far of actual lilith is in the s1 premiere — and she’s just like: very pretty; long dark hair
when she walks out onto the road in from of wardwell’s car
CC: oh dang, I just figured that was a different host
Jenny: reasonable
(lol sorry i am v bad at not spoiling)
CC: ah well no worries
in that vein
I would ask what yall think adam’s life expectancy is
but all things considered (that yall have already finished the season) NO SPOILERS
Jenny: i want him to live forever
forever as wardwell’s Good Boyfriend
Rachel: lol i guess it depends on if he’s In on This or not
like is he a clueless mortal??
is he Actually Satan, here to fuck with Wardwell’s head some more??
was he sent by the False God to tempt her??
tbd tbd!!!
CC: I HATE IT
ok well I hope he is not actually satan that would make me SO MAD
she just DESERVES some love & care
Jenny: i feel like the more mortal the shorter the expectancy
Rachel: yes agreed jenny
CC: if he’s a mortal man, honestly I’m surprised he survived thru THIS episode
that must have been some foot rub
Jenny: but speaking of characters who are introduced JUST to be killed off immediately
i want to get back to amalia
bc everything about that was so fucked up
so much more than just nick pretending to kill her
the worst was — i think — when sabrina ACTUALLY killed her
like…CAN YOU IMAGINE?!?!?
Jenny: killing her and turning to him like “why did you lie to me?” “why didn’t you kill her?”
what the FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK??!?!?
like — what moral high ground are you trying to cling to? can you even claim rights to any of it any more??
s2 sabrina is Not Great
when it comes to life decisions
CC: ok but i would not want to have to kill anybody’s dog for them
Jenny: let alone the only family they have left?
i mean — mostly my thought is: did she have to kill her, though
like. they are witches
magic is real
but i guess so is stabbing
CC: I feel like nick made things worse by going in finger guns blazing
sabrina had almost calmed her down!!!!
Jenny: oh def he is not blameless here
CC: she’s just screaming “TALK TO HER” while he’s whitefanging his familiar
Rachel: i felt so bad for nick
seeing a hot dude cry always gets me
CC: LOL
Jenny: lol yeah
Rachel: cradling the dead body of his only family
and just sobbing!!!!
Jenny: horrible
HORRIBLE
Rachel: although love that they let him have some full emotion
not just like “i’m TOUGH and don’t feel EMOTION”
“except VENGEANCE”
(looking at you Archie andrews)
CC: pbffft lol archie
Jenny: i mean i think these writers have been REALLY good w harvey and nick — they almost always say the right thing, and they definitely feel things, which is great
i kind of want to make that my final thought?
do y’all think we’re there?
CC: i have one more thing to say
before final thoughts
Jenny: go for it
CC: i feel like this is the worst time to say it but
i still do not trust nick!!!! I’m sorry!!! he’s too perfect!!!!
he was engineered in a Good Teen BF lab!!!!
Jenny: oh man yeah that is Very Fair
CC: i want him to be real!!! but how many Good Boys can one show have?????
I WANT 2 BELIEVE
Rachel: probably got him at the Teen BF store
Jenny: LOLOLOLOL
CC: the romance novel version of the Claire’s (while the Husband Store is just Express)
I will GIVE IT MORE TIME but i just still am on the fence about this beautiful pair of abs
although “I will kill my demon dog for you before our first official date” is the kind of chaotic bi energy that permeates Dragon Age so I guess I’ll take it episode by episode LOL
Jenny: LOL
but def — whether these boys can be trusted or not — my final thought is just a compilation of Good Boys Being Good
Jenny: what a good boy!
CC: they were the best of boys, they were the worst of boys, jk they were just the best of boys
Jenny:
Jenny: these two for sure!
this was such a nice lil moment!
CC: ugh so good
Rachel: yeah this was so good!!
Jenny: ok last one
Jenny: he made her a card!!
so sweet!!
but it was a nice card, actually
Rachel: all boys everywhere, take note!!
we love cards!!! cards are great, thoughtful gifts!!!
CC: more cards!!!!
write more inside the cards too pls
Jenny: write about feelings
that’s a TIP
CC: so my final thought is
umino did not do anything to deserve dweebus, who is a disaster and so is her eyeliner
Rachel: LOL
CC: also i can’t hear the name “melvin” w/o thinking of this guy
Jenny: LOLOLOL
you’re right
1000000%
CC: OH GOD
YOU GUYS
CC: FFFFFFFFF
Jenny: OHMANOHMANOHMAN
Rachel: AHAHAHA
here’s hoping that melvin steals dorcas’s heart and gives her some much needed kindness that she doesn’t get from literally anybody else, including her sisters
ok here’s my final thought
i just caught up on the webcomic Sakana and this panel made me think of Hilda’s reaction to Doctor C’s incubus
Rachel: v happy for you Hilda!!!!
Jenny: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
YES
Bless Hilda
CC: so happy 4 her
Jenny: She deserves only the best
Rachel: hail satan
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All images within this article are sourced from Netflix’s The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina unless otherwise noted.
