Welcome to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about the second episode of Season 2: “Nighthawks.” Come for the jingle jangle; stay for the jingle jangle; everything is jingle jangle and nothing hurts.
Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!
Rachel: holy shit y’all
Jenny: it’s all happening
CC: i am even more convinced that the killer is a shapeshifting version of the salem cat puppet
season of the witch + greendale = cat murderer
look we know he is a Bad Warlock so that can only mean he is a murderer
Jenny: i’m honestly starting to believe the archie from the future theory
CC: i also think it could be …… ….
betty’s dad????
Jenny:
madchen would laugh in your face rn
you think HAL could have THE STOMACH???
CC: madchen would laugh in my face for literally any reason, no matter what i said
Jenny: i mean same
CC: “oh your PARENTS died, oh like THAT’S a tragedy”
Rachel: ok also I hated her so much in this episode
I hate her more and more every episode
Jenny: she was a real dick
this time around
CC: even i couldn’t get behind her this episode
Rachel: like be nice to your fucking daughter!!!!!
CC: she doesn’t deserve to fuck FP on that car at this rate
Jenny: honestly
CC: my face literally anytime she had lines this episode
Jenny: fair
i do love her still though
and she helped archie w that coroner’s report
Rachel: I mean fucking barely
CC: but also, while semi gloating ???
i mean maybe she just has resting gloating face
Rachel: YEAH
she’s terrible
Jenny: no
she’s
she’s so great
Rachel: THE WORSTTTT
Jenny: i mean yes bad
but great
Rachel: the worst mom
a bad mom all around
Jenny: i think worst mom actually goes to hermione this round
CC: i mean all of the adults in riverdale just talk to children like they’re hired help who fail to perform
see also: the principal who TOLD THE KIDS that grundy was choked to death???
Rachel: YEAH WTF
Jenny: yikeseroni principal weatherbee
CC: “i know that some of you were fond of this former teacher, who died in extreme agony. mr. andrews get back here”
Jenny: do not share that info please
oh yeah no actually i’m saying worst mom mayor mccoy
josie LOVES pops
CC: there’s so much ground to cover with these bad parents
it’s hard
1) re: hermione
i don’t see why she thought that saying she wrote the letter would help but i guess she was right
Jenny: veronica would’ve never forgiven him
if he’d done it
but also i’m fine w that
i’m fine w veronica never forgiving him
CC: i can see why hermione did it, i mean it’s not a good reason but
Jenny: god
handsome evil dad
Rachel: so handsome
Jenny: so evil
Rachel: so evil!!!!!
CC: i had to delete so many of my screenshots bc they were just of hiram looking handsome
and i didn’t want to crop all of them
i’m not into it but I’m Into It
Jenny: same but w cheryl
Rachel: also I guess jingle jangle is becoming a thing
not just the one-off joke
Jenny: YES
THE JINGLE JANGLE!!!!
Rachel: which I’m thankful for because now we can keep talking about jingle jangle
CC: the klumpster
Jenny: i know
CC: also shoutout to my pal V for providing context for the Jingle Jangle
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUsHC7OYOtA
Jenny: i was p tilted when she started making out w moose at the end bc i really wanted them to be beardbros
she’s too hot for men
v crj
CC: maybe it was the jingle jangle
jingle jangle side effect is heterosexuality
Jenny: maybe they can get crj to do a cover of the jingle jangle
I TOOK THE JINGLE JANGLE AND NOW I’M STRAIGHT
DON’T BE LIKE ME KIDS
CC: not even once
oooh also somewhat related
these galpals
meeting for the first time
Jenny: heartwarming
i live for it
just gals being pals
CC: like i know you’re not here for cold sprouts, jenny, but i do like betty and jug bc i do like jig
jug
jig LOL
jighead
Jenny: always dancing
CC: but also, i see it
Jenny: that’s what would make me like him
jig head
like west side story
do a little spin maybe
CC: jughead as played by channing tatum
Jenny: YES
YOU SOLVED THE MYSTERY
CC: that is the future this liberal wants
Jenny: THAT’S WHAT HE’S MISSING
HE’S NOT THE POTATUM
CC: but i do still like this jughead and think he is doing just fine
i just Believe in channing tatum eating a burger more
i thought that sprouts was looking extra Jess Mariano brood-y this episode
he got some really good brooding in
i def cared more about his brooding than archie’s bc archie’s hair looked irl off model this episode
like I’d say his wig looked bad but i guess it’s just hair dye right? idk i am bad at spotting wigs
Jenny: tbh i forgot archie existed
CC: so did the show tho tbh
Jenny: i guess he bought a gun??
that’s what he’s doing now???
Rachel: dang, Archie
Jenny: i straight up do not care
Rachel: he’s having a rough time this episode
CC: ???????? archie’s got a gunnnn ????????
Jenny: i just want more cheryl
Rachel: I can see it!!! honestly it’s the most teen-like he’s been
or anybody’s been
like, things are terrible and he’s actually falling apart
Jenny: boy just needs to go to sleep
fixes most things does sleep
Rachel: also true
CC: ok real fast, let’s do some power rankings:
yes or no
madchen: y/n?
Jenny: y
Rachel: n
h n
(hell no)
CC: y?
joghead: y/n
Rachel: YYYYY
Jenny: n
h n
CC: y
channing tatum y/n
Rachel: yyyy
Jenny: YYYYYYY
CC: yyyyy
betty
y/n
Jenny: y
Rachel: y
CC: betty kinda made me Anxious this episode
it seemed like she was doing it for good reasons but she def pulled some moves out of the madchen playbook
Rachel: I liked her going bitchy
Rachel: hell yeah
CC: i think cheryl did too
Jenny: I LIVE FOR THIS
Rachel: it was the closest to dark betty she’s gotten in awhile
I liked cheryl without her lipstick also!
Jenny: YEAH
tbh she looked so good here
Rachel: she looks like a normal human with a normal mouth
who has not glutted on the blood of her lessers
CC: aw but i like the glutted on the blood of her lessers look
Rachel: where do I get that bra
Jenny: i mean same
also the whole set was cute
CC: this is some good matte lipstick and also i want it
Rachel: this look was so extra and it was great
Jenny: SHE IS THE MOST
CC: man cheryl’s looks are consistently so great
Rachel: also tru
Jenny: PEAK
CC: cheryl blossom PJs
Jenny: PINNACLE
Rachel: oh I really liked Betty’s looks this episode!!!
coincidentally, I have also been investing in a-line mini skirts so
Jenny: a good decision
CC: i liked veronica’s looks
like, high waisted skirt and VELVET BLAZER
CC: rachel u know how i feel about blazers
Rachel: I do
CC: blazers are always lawful good alignment
no exceptions
Jenny: speaking of alignments
let’s talk about the alliterative lawful evil
Jenny: i am very into this
CC: who knew that the serpents had a scholarship fund??
that’s so nice
they really do look after each other
Jenny: also i love how scared of her fp is
CC: he’s definitely watched her kill a man i bet
Jenny: i mean i hope
CC: so i wanna backtrack to something really important
this murder plot
the thing about the cello bow in particular
i thought that was a string too far
Jenny: you’re a gift
CC: also fire sheriff kellar
he’s either in hiram’s pocket, in the serpents’ pocket, or just too hopped up on the jingle jangle to do his damn job
Jenny: he’s useless
i want to backtrack a little to something v important to me
fucking THISTLEHOUSE
CC: i swear to god that cheryl lives in myrtle snow’s greenhouse
Jenny: MOTHER’S IN THE CONSERVATORY
CC: is evil greenhouse on that “what witchhouse should you live in” quiz?
i can’t remember but if it isn’t, it should be
Jenny: it should be
CC: there is so much to unpack about this outfit
Rachel: man I did not know how to feel about them watching that video of Mr Blossom shooting Jason
closure???? I guesssss????????
Jenny: that seemed ???
also there’s still the mystery of what REALLY happened in the barn?
CC: but tbh, it also did kinda seem like a very Cheryl way to find closure
Jenny: agree
CC: Cheryl “jughead WHERE WAS YOUR DAD when i was wailing while mournfully crossing the moors every day last month” Blossom
like come on cheryl this is insensitive but i know your ass would have been out there even if jason was still alive
a gift for rachel:
Rachel: AHHHHH
GET OUT OF HERE GHOST
CC: didddd someone mention meeeeeee
it is i, jason blossom, an alive human boyyyyyy
Rachel: omg CC I will kick you off of slack
CC: :sorry:
Jenny: lolololololololololol
Rachel: ANYWAY
ok theories about the murderer
Salem as a human
CC: 100%
Rachel: that southside serpent????
Jenny: Archie from the future
Rachel: Hal
Jenny: HAL
CC: hal because why not
Rachel: Andre?????
now that Smithers is gone???
Jenny: AH
CC: oh yeah
Rachel: Hiram didn’t think Smithers was hot enough
Jenny: he has v high handsomeness standards does hiram
Rachel: BUT Hiram still needs to be the MOST handsome
CC: man i know this is the worst, but i just want hiram to not be actually a bad guy bc he is so handsome and i don’t want to feel bad about thinking he is so handsome
but hiram u are making this So Hard my dude!!!!
Rachel: u_u
I just wish there were more good parents than Fred Andrews and Molly Ringwald
this is why the town is going to shit
fire all the parents
Jenny: honestly
CC: i think there is more going on w hermione than what meets the eye though
Rachel: man I used to think that but now idk
CC: i’d legit be willing to bet that if she doesn’t go along with his shit, hermione thinks hiram will put veronica’s life in danger
Jenny: i could see that
Rachel: she’s already threatened Ronnie!!!!
Jenny: that’s true
i don’t trust her
CC: yeah but i think that she’s bluffing
Rachel: she’s blinded by how handsome Hiram is
CC: hermione seems like the kind of mom who will have a tragic She Was A Good Mom All Along moment
i mean smithers believes in her
the only hope for hermione
Jenny: the only light in this darkness tbh
Rachel: she also let Smithers get fired
she did not stand up for him
CC: i mean i hope he got fired
i hope that is what happened
Rachel: D:
SMITHERS NOOOO
Jenny: fired is preferable to other things
at least we know there will always be female friendship to keep this town afloat
Rachel: that is one thing I love about this show
they have not pitted B and V against each other since the relationships got settled
like, fucking thank god
CC: i am so so so glad
Rachel: this whole show is not about who can jump on Archie’s d the fastest
CC: whether romantically or platonically, however things end
b & v are the main relationship at the core of this show
Jenny: i am glad about that
archie’s d does not seem worth
endgame
CC: they are both the best things going on in riverdale
this town has 2 exports: female friendship, and hot dads
Rachel: until Sabrina gets here ~~~
and then actual witches will be one of the best things
Jenny: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I AM SO READY
CC: can’t wait for actual witches
Jenny: THEY KEEP TEASING
Rachel: can’t wait for Sabrina’s aunts to get their claws into all these hot dads
Jenny: FIRST GREENDALE THEN DONOVAN
CC: zelda and hilda get hype 2k17
Rachel: HELGA AND FP
Jenny: OH MY GODDDDDDD
Rachel: ZELDA AND FRED
Jenny: I AM AND FOREVER WILL BE HYPE
CC: ZELDA AND FRED
YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA
ok wait can yall refresh me on donovan’s deal
Jenny: donovan does season of the witch
sings it
CC: w h o o p s
Rachel: that song that is constantly on my spotify
Jenny: yes yes yes
Rachel: lol
CC: can’t wait can’t wait
i mean i guess it’s p much the same situation in riverdale tbh
Jenny: i mean, fred is not w molly anymore
fp is deffo single
madchen is p much single bc hal sucks
CC: madchen and fp is endgame whether we like it or not i say
Jenny: HILDA AND MADCHEN
CC: OH
OH MY GOD
OHHHHHHH MY GOD
YES
Rachel: ehhhhh
CC: that is a hell of a ship
Jenny: I AM SO READY
I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL
CC: so like, talking about alignments
what is the deal with madchen
she’s def chaotic evil but does she even have an endgame?
what are even her goals???
Rachel: be the worst mom
CC: i mean, yeah
Jenny: i mean, endgame everyone understands that she was right about everything always
and i really relate to that
so maybe i’m biased
i don’t agree w how she treated polly
but i do think that she thought it was best
Rachel: I keep waiting for her to go back to the serpents
and become a badass biker mom
Jenny: i’m SO READY FOR THAT
also i haven’t seen polly at all
and i miss her
Rachel: OH POLLY
where is she??????
where’s that bb???
Jenny: asking the real questions
CC: hhhhaaAAaaasss anyoneeee seeeen my fiannnnnnnnnceeeeeeeeee
CC: SORRY I COULDN’T HELP IT
Jenny: ugh
Rachel: CCCCCCCCC
Jenny: s’okay it’s okay
CC: his weird face is starting to grow on me
Jenny: no
do not
do not allow for growth
Rachel:
CC: it’s like gackt, you can’t even post about him ironically bc to post about him is to invoke his name
someone told me this on twitter and both are true
never trust a dude with too much cheekbones
Jenny: the world is beautiful and strange
CC: what happened to polly at the end of season 1?
i don’t really remember
Jenny: i mean, she was back to living in the cooper home
she was thinking about going back to school
they can pick that thread up at any time
Rachel: oh yeah and bad mom madchen was like KEEP YOUR SHAME IN THE HOME
NEVER GO INTO PUBLIC
Jenny: i mean that baby’s gotta come out sometime??
like, jason disappeared on july 4
and we’re squarely in jan/feb territory
Rachel: yeah!! I need to know if it has red hair
Jenny: of course it has red hair
CC: everyone knows that red hair is a dominant trait in a fictional world
Jenny: like baratheons but red
Rachel: OMG
well they are family sooooo
they’re both blossomssssss
CC: bbbbbbbbbb
bfffffggggggg :disappointed:
Rachel: yeah never forget
CC: sometimes i think about how riverdale is such an excellent tribute to gothic literature
you’ve got
literally everything about cheryl
Secret Relatives
morally ambiguous hot dads
the works
Jenny: class divides
CC: so glad riverdale is vindicating my decision to get a degree in english literature
Jenny: honestly though
Rachel: lol
ok y’all, any last thoughts?
CC: ok which dad tho
Rachel: FP
FP wore a TIE
Jenny: dad of choice probs fred
CC: FP did some great tortured manly dad crying
Jenny: that was good stuff
Rachel: wait CC who is yours???
are you team Hiram
CC: i am gonna say team FP because i do not want to die and i am bad at lying
Rachel: lol
CC: i couldn’t lie for him so hiram would def murder me
kill hiram bone hiram marry fred
*bone hiram kill hiram
in that order
Jenny: important clarification
i just really like vegas and fred’s kitchen
cute ass house
good dog big kitchen island
Rachel: oh yeah def marry fred
kill hiram bone fp marry fred
CC: look at the end of this episode all i care about is that pop is happy
Rachel: hard same
CC: i feel like my comments have been all over the place this episode but in my defense, so was this episode
Jenny: i’m w you
this whole time
i was just like
Jenny: google earth
always taking pics
CC: lol amazing
ya but that is all i got
what about you rachel?
Rachel: counting down the days until Sabrina
CC: the best take
#1
Rachel: season of the witch got me hype
Jenny: you mean my life since infancy
CC: truly
Jenny: i contented myself w melissa joan hart but the time has come
Rachel: I’m ready
Jenny: the comic comes out SO SLOWLY
there’ve only been like 6? maybe 7? issues
since 2015
i am starved for content and the cw is all i have left in this world
All images within this article are sourced from the CW’s Riverdale unless otherwise noted.
