Riverdale Roundtable 2: “Nighthawks”

Jingle Jangle-induced Heterosexuality

October 25, 2017 at 9:00 am

Welcome to Riverdale Roundtable: a recap series where we chat about all the drama and sexy intrigue from last week’s Riverdale — just in time to get you up-to-speed for tonight’s episode. Today we’re talking about the second episode of Season 2: “Nighthawks.” Come for the jingle jangle; stay for the jingle jangle; everything is jingle jangle and nothing hurts.

Please note: this recap includes Extreme Spoilers for this episode, as well as the entirety of Season One. We warned you!!

 


 

Rachel: holy shit y’all

Jenny: it’s all happening

CC: i am even more convinced that the killer is a shapeshifting version of the salem cat puppet
season of the witch + greendale = cat murderer
look we know he is a Bad Warlock so that can only mean he is a murderer

Jenny: i’m honestly starting to believe the archie from the future theory

CC: i also think it could be …… ….
betty’s dad????

Jenny:
madchen would laugh in your face rn
you think HAL could have THE STOMACH???

CC: madchen would laugh in my face for literally any reason, no matter what i said

Jenny: i mean same

CC: “oh your PARENTS died, oh like THAT’S a tragedy”

Rachel: ok also I hated her so much in this episode
I hate her more and more every episode

Jenny: she was a real dick
this time around

CC: even i couldn’t get behind her this episode

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" madchen madness

 

Rachel: like be nice to your fucking daughter!!!!!

CC: she doesn’t deserve to fuck FP on that car at this rate

Jenny: honestly

CC: my face literally anytime she had lines this episode

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" betty shrugging from the overwhelmingness of dealing with her mother

 

Jenny: fair
i do love her still though
and she helped archie w that coroner’s report

Rachel: I mean fucking barely

CC: but also, while semi gloating ???
i mean maybe she just has resting gloating face

Rachel: YEAH
she’s terrible

Jenny: no
she’s
she’s so great

Rachel: THE WORSTTTT

Jenny: i mean yes bad
but great

Rachel: the worst mom
a bad mom all around

Jenny: i think worst mom actually goes to hermione this round

CC: i mean all of the adults in riverdale just talk to children like they’re hired help who fail to perform
see also: the principal who TOLD THE KIDS that grundy was choked to death???

Rachel: YEAH WTF

Jenny: yikeseroni principal weatherbee

CC: “i know that some of you were fond of this former teacher, who died in extreme agony. mr. andrews get back here”

Jenny: do not share that info please
oh yeah no actually i’m saying worst mom mayor mccoy
josie LOVES pops

CC: there’s so much ground to cover with these bad parents
it’s hard
1) re: hermione
i don’t see why she thought that saying she wrote the letter would help but i guess she was right

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" hiram dishing on hermione not writing the letter!!!

 

Jenny: veronica would’ve never forgiven him
if he’d done it
but also i’m fine w that
i’m fine w veronica never forgiving him

CC: i can see why hermione did it, i mean it’s not a good reason but

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" all aboard the hot dad express! your first stop: hiram lodge

 

Jenny: god
handsome evil dad

Rachel: so handsome

Jenny: so evil

Rachel: so evil!!!!!

CC: i had to delete so many of my screenshots bc they were just of hiram looking handsome
and i didn’t want to crop all of them
i’m not into it but I’m Into It

Jenny: same but w cheryl

Rachel: also I guess jingle jangle is becoming a thing
not just the one-off joke

Jenny: YES
THE JINGLE JANGLE!!!!

Rachel: which I’m thankful for because now we can keep talking about jingle jangle

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" what do u know about the jingle jangle u pleb

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" the klumpster

 

CC: the klumpster

Jenny: i know

CC: also shoutout to my pal V for providing context for the Jingle Jangle

 

 

Jenny: i was p tilted when she started making out w moose at the end bc i really wanted them to be beardbros
she’s too hot for men
v crj

CC: maybe it was the jingle jangle
jingle jangle side effect is heterosexuality

Jenny: maybe they can get crj to do a cover of the jingle jangle
I TOOK THE JINGLE JANGLE AND NOW I’M STRAIGHT
DON’T BE LIKE ME KIDS

CC: not even once
oooh also somewhat related
these galpals
meeting for the first time

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" galpals: betty

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" galpals: veronica

 

Jenny: heartwarming
i live for it
just gals being pals

CC: like i know you’re not here for cold sprouts, jenny, but i do like betty and jug bc i do like jig
jug
jig LOL
jighead

Jenny: always dancing

CC: but also, i see it

Jenny: that’s what would make me like him
jig head
like west side story
do a little spin maybe

CC: jughead as played by channing tatum

Jenny: YES
YOU SOLVED THE MYSTERY

CC: that is the future this liberal wants

Jenny: THAT’S WHAT HE’S MISSING
HE’S NOT THE POTATUM

CC: but i do still like this jughead and think he is doing just fine
i just Believe in channing tatum eating a burger more
i thought that sprouts was looking extra Jess Mariano brood-y this episode
he got some really good brooding in
i def cared more about his brooding than archie’s bc archie’s hair looked irl off model this episode
like I’d say his wig looked bad but i guess it’s just hair dye right? idk i am bad at spotting wigs

Jenny: tbh i forgot archie existed

CC: so did the show tho tbh

Jenny: i guess he bought a gun??
that’s what he’s doing now???

Rachel: dang, Archie

Jenny: i straight up do not care

Rachel: he’s having a rough time this episode

CC: 🎵🎵 archie’s got a gunnnn 🎵🎵

Jenny: i just want more cheryl

Rachel: I can see it!!! honestly it’s the most teen-like he’s been
or anybody’s been
like, things are terrible and he’s actually falling apart

Jenny: boy just needs to go to sleep
fixes most things does sleep

Rachel: also true

CC: ok real fast, let’s do some power rankings:
yes or no
madchen: y/n?

Jenny: y

Rachel: n
h n
(hell no)

CC: y?
joghead: y/n

Rachel: YYYYY

Jenny: n
h n

CC: y
channing tatum y/n

Rachel: yyyy

Jenny: YYYYYYY

CC: yyyyy
betty
y/n

Jenny: y

Rachel: y

CC: betty kinda made me Anxious this episode
it seemed like she was doing it for good reasons but she def pulled some moves out of the madchen playbook

Rachel: I liked her going bitchy

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day

 

Rachel: hell yeah

CC: i think cheryl did too

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" god i love cheryl

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" cheryl again

 

Jenny: I LIVE FOR THIS

Rachel: it was the closest to dark betty she’s gotten in awhile
I liked cheryl without her lipstick also!

Jenny: YEAH
tbh she looked so good here

Rachel: she looks like a normal human with a normal mouth
who has not glutted on the blood of her lessers

CC: aw but i like the glutted on the blood of her lessers look

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" as a fan i feel served

 

Rachel: where do I get that bra

Jenny: i mean same
also the whole set was cute

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" a++ cheryl blossom matte lipstick #looks

 

CC: this is some good matte lipstick and also i want it

Rachel: this look was so extra and it was great

Jenny: SHE IS THE MOST

CC: man cheryl’s looks are consistently so great

Rachel: also tru

Jenny: PEAK

CC: cheryl blossom PJs

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" cheryl blossom PJs: a lace trimmed going out top and a high waisted red pencil skirt

 

Jenny: PINNACLE

Rachel: oh I really liked Betty’s looks this episode!!!
coincidentally, I have also been investing in a-line mini skirts so

Jenny: a good decision

CC: i liked veronica’s looks
like, high waisted skirt and VELVET BLAZER

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" veronica in a VELVET BLAZER, high waisted skirt and blouse with peter pan collar and cute necklace

 

CC: rachel u know how i feel about blazers

Rachel: I do

CC: blazers are always lawful good alignment
no exceptions

Jenny: speaking of alignments
let’s talk about the alliterative lawful evil

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" everyone should watch The Middleman

 

Jenny: i am very into this

CC: who knew that the serpents had a scholarship fund??
that’s so nice
they really do look after each other

Jenny: also i love how scared of her fp is

CC: he’s definitely watched her kill a man i bet

Jenny: i mean i hope

CC: so i wanna backtrack to something really important
this murder plot
the thing about the cello bow in particular
i thought that was a string too far

Jenny: you’re a gift

CC: also fire sheriff kellar
he’s either in hiram’s pocket, in the serpents’ pocket, or just too hopped up on the jingle jangle to do his damn job

Jenny: he’s useless
i want to backtrack a little to something v important to me
fucking THISTLEHOUSE

CC: i swear to god that cheryl lives in myrtle snow’s greenhouse

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" file under DREAM HOME

 

Jenny: MOTHER’S IN THE CONSERVATORY

CC: is evil greenhouse on that “what witchhouse should you live in” quiz?
i can’t remember but if it isn’t, it should be

Jenny: it should be

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" what an outfit

 

CC: there is so much to unpack about this outfit

Rachel: man I did not know how to feel about them watching that video of Mr Blossom shooting Jason
closure???? I guesssss????????

Jenny: that seemed ???
also there’s still the mystery of what REALLY happened in the barn?

CC: but tbh, it also did kinda seem like a very Cheryl way to find closure

Jenny: agree

CC: Cheryl “jughead WHERE WAS YOUR DAD when i was wailing while mournfully crossing the moors every day last month” Blossom
like come on cheryl this is insensitive but i know your ass would have been out there even if jason was still alive
a gift for rachel:

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" rachel's favorite riverdale character

 

Rachel: AHHHHH
GET OUT OF HERE GHOST

CC: didddd someone mention meeeeeee
it is i, jason blossom, an alive human boyyyyyy

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" another great shot of rachel's favorite riverdale character

 

Rachel: omg CC I will kick you off of slack

CC: :sorry:

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" romance roundtable apology reacts only

 

Jenny: lolololololololololol

Rachel: ANYWAY
ok theories about the murderer
Salem as a human

CC: 100%

Rachel: that southside serpent????

Jenny: Archie from the future

Rachel: Hal

Jenny: HAL

CC: hal because why not

Rachel: Andre?????
now that Smithers is gone???

Jenny: AH

CC: oh yeah

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" where's smithers?

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" hot butler

 

Rachel: Hiram didn’t think Smithers was hot enough

Jenny: he has v high handsomeness standards does hiram

Rachel: BUT Hiram still needs to be the MOST handsome

CC: man i know this is the worst, but i just want hiram to not be actually a bad guy bc he is so handsome and i don’t want to feel bad about thinking he is so handsome
but hiram u are making this So Hard my dude!!!!

Rachel: u_u
I just wish there were more good parents than Fred Andrews and Molly Ringwald
this is why the town is going to shit
fire all the parents

Jenny: honestly

CC: i think there is more going on w hermione than what meets the eye though

Rachel: man I used to think that but now idk

CC: i’d legit be willing to bet that if she doesn’t go along with his shit, hermione thinks hiram will put veronica’s life in danger

Jenny: i could see that

Rachel: she’s already threatened Ronnie!!!!

Jenny: that’s true
i don’t trust her

CC: yeah but i think that she’s bluffing

Rachel: she’s blinded by how handsome Hiram is

CC: hermione seems like the kind of mom who will have a tragic She Was A Good Mom All Along moment
i mean smithers believes in her
the only hope for hermione

Jenny: the only light in this darkness tbh

Rachel: she also let Smithers get fired
she did not stand up for him

CC: i mean i hope he got fired
i hope that is what happened

Rachel: D:
SMITHERS NOOOO

Jenny: fired is preferable to other things
at least we know there will always be female friendship to keep this town afloat

Rachel: that is one thing I love about this show
they have not pitted B and V against each other since the relationships got settled
like, fucking thank god

CC: i am so so so glad

Rachel: this whole show is not about who can jump on Archie’s d the fastest

CC: whether romantically or platonically, however things end
b & v are the main relationship at the core of this show

Jenny: i am glad about that
archie’s d does not seem worth
endgame

CC: they are both the best things going on in riverdale
this town has 2 exports: female friendship, and hot dads

Rachel: until Sabrina gets here ~~~
and then actual witches will be one of the best things

Jenny: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I AM SO READY

CC: can’t wait for actual witches

Jenny: THEY KEEP TEASING

Rachel: can’t wait for Sabrina’s aunts to get their claws into all these hot dads

Jenny: FIRST GREENDALE THEN DONOVAN

CC: zelda and hilda get hype 2k17

Rachel: HELGA AND FP

Jenny: OH MY GODDDDDDD

Rachel: ZELDA AND FRED

Jenny: I AM AND FOREVER WILL BE HYPE

CC: ZELDA AND FRED
YEA YEA YEA YEA YEA
ok wait can yall refresh me on donovan’s deal

Jenny: donovan does season of the witch
sings it

CC: w h o o p s

Rachel: that song that is constantly on my spotify

Jenny: yes yes yes

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" hilda and zelda

 

Rachel: lol

CC: can’t wait can’t wait
i mean i guess it’s p much the same situation in riverdale tbh

Jenny: i mean, fred is not w molly anymore
fp is deffo single
madchen is p much single bc hal sucks

CC: madchen and fp is endgame whether we like it or not i say

Jenny: HILDA AND MADCHEN

CC: OH
OH MY GOD
OHHHHHHH MY GOD
YES

Rachel: ehhhhh

CC: that is a hell of a ship

Jenny: I AM SO READY
I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

CC: so like, talking about alignments
what is the deal with madchen
she’s def chaotic evil but does she even have an endgame?
what are even her goals???

Rachel: be the worst mom

CC: i mean, yeah

Jenny: i mean, endgame everyone understands that she was right about everything always
and i really relate to that
so maybe i’m biased
i don’t agree w how she treated polly
but i do think that she thought it was best

Rachel: I keep waiting for her to go back to the serpents
and become a badass biker mom

Jenny: i’m SO READY FOR THAT
also i haven’t seen polly at all
and i miss her

Rachel: OH POLLY
where is she??????
where’s that bb???

Jenny: asking the real questions

CC: hhhhaaAAaaasss anyoneeee seeeen my fiannnnnnnnnceeeeeeeeee

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" rachel's Favorite Boy again

 

CC: SORRY I COULDN’T HELP IT

Jenny: ugh

Rachel: CCCCCCCCC

Jenny: s’okay it’s okay

CC: his weird face is starting to grow on me

Jenny: no
do not
do not allow for growth

Rachel:

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" sad ghibli gif

 

CC: it’s like gackt, you can’t even post about him ironically bc to post about him is to invoke his name
someone told me this on twitter and both are true
never trust a dude with too much cheekbones

Jenny: the world is beautiful and strange

CC: what happened to polly at the end of season 1?
i don’t really remember

Jenny: i mean, she was back to living in the cooper home
she was thinking about going back to school
they can pick that thread up at any time

Rachel: oh yeah and bad mom madchen was like KEEP YOUR SHAME IN THE HOME
NEVER GO INTO PUBLIC

Jenny: i mean that baby’s gotta come out sometime??
like, jason disappeared on july 4
and we’re squarely in jan/feb territory

Rachel: yeah!! I need to know if it has red hair

Jenny: of course it has red hair

CC: everyone knows that red hair is a dominant trait in a fictional world

Jenny: like baratheons but red

Rachel: OMG
well they are family sooooo
they’re both blossomssssss

CC: bbbbbbbbbb
bfffffggggggg :disappointed:

Rachel: yeah never forget

CC: sometimes i think about how riverdale is such an excellent tribute to gothic literature
you’ve got
literally everything about cheryl
Secret Relatives
morally ambiguous hot dads
the works

Jenny: class divides

CC: so glad riverdale is vindicating my decision to get a degree in english literature

Jenny: honestly though

Rachel: lol
ok y’all, any last thoughts?

CC: ok which dad tho

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" hiram is still v handsome

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" FP looking Anguished next to a phone

 

Rachel: FP
FP wore a TIE

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" FP in a tie

 

Jenny: dad of choice probs fred

CC: FP did some great tortured manly dad crying

Jenny: that was good stuff

Rachel: wait CC who is yours???
are you team Hiram

CC: i am gonna say team FP because i do not want to die and i am bad at lying

Rachel: lol

CC: i couldn’t lie for him so hiram would def murder me
kill hiram bone hiram marry fred
*bone hiram kill hiram
in that order

Jenny: important clarification
i just really like vegas and fred’s kitchen
cute ass house
good dog big kitchen island

Rachel: oh yeah def marry fred
kill hiram bone fp marry fred

CC: look at the end of this episode all i care about is that pop is happy

Rachel: hard same

CC: i feel like my comments have been all over the place this episode but in my defense, so was this episode

Jenny: i’m w you
this whole time
i was just like

 

Riverdale Roundtable: "Nighthawks" madchen taking pics

 

Jenny: google earth
always taking pics

CC: lol amazing
ya but that is all i got
what about you rachel?

Rachel: counting down the days until Sabrina

CC: the best take
#1

Rachel: season of the witch got me hype

Jenny: you mean my life since infancy

CC: truly

Jenny: i contented myself w melissa joan hart but the time has come

Rachel: I’m ready

Jenny: the comic comes out SO SLOWLY
there’ve only been like 6? maybe 7? issues
since 2015
i am starved for content and the cw is all i have left in this world


<Season 2 Premiere          Episode 3>

Rachel Weiss

Rachel is a designer and artist from Texas. She is pro-feminism, pro-crones, and pro-dogs. She's also Boss Crone at POMEgranate Magazine, and one day hopes to be able to drink her tea without so much milk and sugar.

Carolynn Calabrese

If you prick your finger and write “Cat Fancy” on your mirror during a harvest moon, CC will appear behind you and make you put human clothes on your pets. CC is Head Crone in Charge at POMEgranate Magazine, as well as the co-host of Moon Podcast Power MAKE UP!!

Jenny Mott

Jenny is just a Silly Nerd with a lot of Feelings about Comic Books and Friendship and also This Capitalist Yoke We All Share; she enjoys Dogs and Sleeping and Cartoons. Her three favorite words are: Breakfast All Day.