Worf’s Signature Juice Cleanse

If you can’t find good gagh, replicated is fine.

January 10, 2018 at 10:00 am

Juice cleanses often have more in common with ritual and magic than with actual food, but many people across the universe derive power from their potent properties. I reached out to my dear friend Worf via email to learn his secrets. He took the challenge seriously.

 


 

Dear Antoinette,

I am not entirely sure what cleansing has to do with anything (I do not bathe in juice), but I am happy to share my routine with your readers. Though Klingons enjoy fruit juices of all kinds, I have of late been introduced to some Terran delicacies. Juice is especially important when preparing for or returning from battle. There is great power to be found in commitment to a goal, even when that goal is the mere consumption of nourishment. I am told that humans think nothing of forming a resolution, then reneging the following month. I must caution against such dishonorable practices. The plant-based beverages listed below may be used to augment strength training, or within a larger ritual purification.

 

Prune Juice

Worf's Signature Juice Cleanse - Four glasses of fresh plum juice arranged with several plums
Prune or plum juice is made from the prunus domestica, an Earth fruit. Prune juice is a warrior’s drink, and should be consumed when you need to derive strength from your friends and comrades-in-arms. It was first introduced to me by Guinan, who you may be familiar with as she is a crone of notable standing. She told me that humans consume prune juice with some regularity. I find that it enhances performance in battle. The recipe for this noble beverage is not always programmed into replicators, and so must be made by hand. You can use either fresh plums or dried prunes, or in a pinch, I’m told Kasidy Yates can lay hands on Rakalian p’losie.

 

Beet Juice

Worf's Signature Juice Cleanse - A glass of purple juice next to a sliced beet

When sharing Klingon ritual with other humanoids, many ceremonies call for bloodwine, which is quite potent. If you are concerned about your crewmates’ tolerance, beet juice makes an excellent alternative. It has iron and blood-building properties, and its stark, inhospitable earthiness reminds me of my childhood in Russia. Beet juice is well suited to daily consumption, and I have been able to find it at replicators throughout the Federation. If replicators are unavailable, many services deliver.

 

Green Juice

Worf's Signature Juice Cleanse - A glass of green juice next to an empty blender, a container of wooden spoons, and a lime, on a marble countertop

Though it is the least bloodlike of the three, I believe the sheer austerity of green juice makes the experience of imbibing it valuable.  Many humans prefer palatable, sugary juices. Klingons do not need such tricks. Klingon tea ceremonies involve ingesting poison and reciting poetry, and most human juices pale in comparison. Apple juice is the juice of cowards; a truly battle-ready brew is made of stronger stuff. I recommend using only kale. Fermented ingredients such as kimchi brine produce a spicy and invigorating libation. It is widely available in replicators in the Beta Quadrant, as it is popular with Vulcans.

 

Detox Exercises

Worf's Signature Juice Cleanse - Members of the Star Trek crew exercising

The Way of the Warrior set down by Kahless includes a program of rigorous physical activity. I recently became a Mok’bara commander instructor. I am told that humans also like to pair their juice with meditation and exercise. I believe this gives you the full benefits of the juice in question, though for matters of true detoxification, I would refer you to Doctor Crusher.

 

Raw Diet

Worf's Signature Juice Cleanse - Commander Riker reluctantly eating gagh

Gagh, Klingon bloodworm, is eaten live, and as quickly as possible. Commander Riker informs me that “activated, raw, and biodynamic” ingredients were common on Earth in the 21st century. I was extremely incredulous when he explained that humans often consume solely juice and vegetables because they actually desire an emaciated physique. This high-protein superfood counteracts such weakening effects. Raw ingredients are difficult to obtain on starships, but gagh is well worth the special requisition.

Gagh must be served raw in order to be respectful of Klingon tradition. This is not negotiable. Using dead or lifeless gagh is both appropriative and inappropriate; we refer to pointless tasks and assignations as “killing gagh.”  Your gagh should be raised honorably, fed a diet of diluted blood for weeks prior to consumption. If you can’t find good gagh, replicated is fine.

Counselor Troi told me that fresh juice and related rituals are important parts of “self-care.” I would counter that they are best when shared with friends, as we Klingons are wont to do.

Qapla’!

Worf, son of Mogh

Antoinette Marchpane

Lady Antoinette Marchpane is a 19th century Baroness living in a tall tower in the middle of a modern city. She communicates with the outside world through scribbled missives. Lady Marchpane has very strong opinions on foodstuffs, Star Trek, and the “correct” way to clean a silver service.