CroneCrate Unboxing: October 2016
October 18, 2016 at 1:11 pm
We’re so #hexed to receive the October installment of our monthly honorary CroneCrate subscription. As you might remember from last month, CroneCrate is the internet’s only crone-centric subscription box that delivers all the essential cursed and enchanted objects straight to your hearth. Some of you might remember that the Crones That Be granted us a one-month gift subscription to CroneCrate as a prize for our Witchfinder contest. That means that you can win all of the items in this month’s box! Join us for a spooky #unboxing to scope out our October CroneCrate under the light of a waning supermoon.
Unfortunately, we dropped the product description card in our cauldron shortly after transcribing the text below — sorry, POMEs.
Product Description Card:
Greetings & Salutations,
Mighty Artemis joins her sisters as the rising supermoon grazes sweeyt Mother Gaia’s cheek. The final harvest approaches. We crafted yon CroneCrate to celebrate yr labour throughout this trying year. Gather together w/yr Wyrd Sistren to celebrate each other thru a Witch’s Spa. Thine cauldron hath beene filled 2 the brimm w/ preservatives & sustainers for all witches & crones.
Let’s see what else we got this month:
Cornucopia filled with spider webs| 200 calories per serving
For a snack in the bath.
Aromatherapy nose | You smell death
Clears up your sinuses.
Aging Powder | All your future hair
Our aging experts have spent millennia developing this revolutionary wizening powder that will give you that lifeless, haggard look.
The concept of Love, cremated/disassembled | -$11,400*
As you know, love isn’t real, because we killed it and put its remains in these bottles.
* Reimbursement for the average cost for a lifetime of birth control.
Bath bomb | All the beauty products forgotten in the back of your bathroom cabinet
Use this bath bomb to transform your cauldron into the spa treatment you deserve. Luxuriate in a quagmire of essential oils, exfoliating salts, and scented screams.
Ambivalent Cat Guardian Spirit | 12 lbs of kitty litter
The patron spirit of Giving No Fucks. Shatter the glass and free the spirit to gain one emergency Fuck to give.
Coconut oil | 100 Instagram followers
For literally everything you need, today and always. It will last until the heat-death of the universe and beyond.
Black nail polish | Your grandparents’ approval
An all-occasion nail polish — baptisms, weddings, blood moon sacrifices, promise ring ceremonies, seances, bat mitzvahs, whatever.
Burlap bunion sack | A drawer filled with toe nail clippings
Put your foot in it; cultivate some rich, meaty bunions.
Calcifying Spa Cauldron | One memory of youth per use
Soak your hands, slough of your daily glow and reveal the withered crone within.
Fried Green Tomatoes | $0.29
Critics say: This movie, couched in soft colours and sweet music, is one of the most casually misandric movies ever made.
Pressed Flower in a Frame | All the bees
Watch these flowers bloom from death as they sap away your youthful appearance and troublespots of smooth skin.
Charismatic Witchcraft | $10
If all your problems can’t be solved with coconut oil, turn to this handy tome filled with useful, everyday spells, charms and hexes for every witch.
Once again, we’re sorry to inform y’all that you still can’t subscribe to CroneCrate on the regular — we reached out to the CroneCrate Marketing rep again to ask about opening up subscriptions to the general public, but she only threw her heads back in unison and emitted the most terrifying, blood-curdling scream we’ve collectively ever heard in our lives. However, as we mentioned at the top, you can actually win this month’s CroneCrate by entering our Witchfinder contest, so get to it! If you need us, we’ll be working on our bunions.