1. Cersei, a member of one of the richest families of the realm, had a…
Dragon armor makes sense AND is rad as hell. So, um, where is it?
by Alicia Kania
September 29, 2017 at 11:46 am
If you’re a Game of Thrones fan who watched season 7 this year, you’re probably still digesting a few things. Old incest, new incest, glass caves, bad haircuts, Kit Harington’s single facial expression—as always, there’s a lot to process.
Not for me, though. See, one singular issue is now at the front of my mind regarding this show: The very serious and absurd lack of DRAGON ARMOR.
Why? I’m so glad you asked, dear reader. Dragon armor could only improve this show, that’s why. There are no downsides to dragon armor. It is pure. It protects the dragons. (And yes, meme lovers, it also helps them attack, very good.) The dragons are safer, the coolness factor goes up, and everyone wins. I genuinely cannot figure out why dragon armor isn’t in this show ALREADY.
But okay, let’s break this down.
FIRST: DRAGON ARMOR MAKES SENSE
Everyone remembers the LIGHT ‘EM UP scene from episode 4 where Drogon gloriously roasted the Lannister army before taking a spear in the shoulder.
Daenerys, of course, was pretty shaken up by this, as was the audience—it’s the first time we’ve ever seen a dragon get seriously injured, man! These are our big, scaly, fire-breathing BABIES and they are doing a GREAT JOB and they do not get hurt!
But hey, I reasoned, this will be a good thing in the long run—because Dany will learn from it! She’ll see that her dragons need extra protection in battle, surely, so she’ll have some bitchin’ armor created for them. Plot is no longer constrained by realistic lengths of time in this show, so it should only take about 30 minutes to construct gorgeous, battle-ready armor for three full-grown dragons. Phew! A blessing in disguise.
LOL JK. That didn’t happen. Instead, Dany apparently considered this a random, unfortunate mishap. Giant crossbows, man. What can you even do? After Jon’s bewilderingly awful plan to capture an Ice Zombie panned out exactly how you’d expect, Dany flew in with all three dragons to save his ass, and one ice spear later, we all know how that turned out for poor Viserion.
If only there were something that could have prevented this senseless death… OH, WAIT.
DRAGON. ARMOR. This is the hill I die upon. This is such a glaring gap in logic in this show, and I refuse to ignore it or shut up about it, ever. Maybe in season 8, Dany will cross paths with someone who devotes a few brain cells to the practical and proper use of armor…
(Real talk, though: There are so many characters in this show who could and would logically think of this. SO MANY. Is it not genuinely absurd that it hasn’t even come up?!)
SECOND: DRAGON ARMOR IS FUCKING COOL AS SHIT
“But Alicia,” you might be saying out loud to your screen, “If Viserion hadn’t died, we wouldn’t have a ZOMBIE ICE DRAGON. That’s so cool that it’s worth it!!”
Okay, you got me, there. PSYCH, YOU’RE WRONG. Why? Because NOTHING, and especially not a dead dragon, is cooler than dragon armor.
Just imagine it now: Viserion soaring through the air and an ice spear crumbling to bits as it collides with his armor—but hey, maybe it leaves a dent! Maybe he’s bruised! Maybe he still lets out a wail and Dany flips her head around to see that, oh shit, the Frost Giant had good aim, but hell fucking yeah, the armor works. Everyone flies home, and all three dragons get treats.
Try to think of something cooler than a dragon wearing armor. I’ll wait.
You can’t. And if you did think of something, you’re lying.
If you’re still somehow on the fence (aka wrong), consider: Dragons in armor MERCH. Imagine that instead of buying this monstrosity that no one ever asked for, you could buy sweet figurines and plushies and posters of DRAGONS IN MOTHERFUCKING ARMOR.
THIRD: DRAGON. ARMOR. I MEAN, COME ON.
Just to recap, let’s compare dragon armor to no dragon amor.
With dragon armor:
- Viserion lives
- The coolest fucking thing ever
- Glorious dragons in armor merch
Without dragon armor:
- Viserion dies
- Drogon and Rhaegal’s fate in question
- Less cool than the coolest thing ever
- Naked/dead dragon merch (occasionally awesome but always objectively less fun)
While season 7 failed to deliver on this front, I’m not giving up hope. If the final season of this glorified fanfiction manages to give us some badass dragon armor, I won’t even complain about anything else that happens!* Westeros-wide light rail system to justify the fast travel times? Who cares! An entire legion of unexplained flaming swords? Fine! I’ll be TOO BUSY shouting from the rooftops and collecting every special edition armored Rhaegal and Drogon figurine I can FIND.
© 2014 - 2018 Alicia Kania and POMEgranate Magazine